10 Things to Never Say to a Pregnant Woman
1. "You look so big/small." Remember when you were a teenager and you didn't want to be unique in any way? Well pregnancy is the same and nobody wants to be told they look huge or teeny because it just scares them. Anything different from other pregnant women = weird = giant freak baby or creepy peanut baby.
2. "Haven't you had that baby yet?" If that woman's pregnancy seems long to you I can almost guarantee that it feels like about 30 years to her. Pregnant woman who are asked this question should be legally exempt from murder convictions.
3. "You look tired, you must be having a girl because they steal your beauty." Someone actually said this to my friend. So really what you're saying is "you look like shit". Thanks. I think the response to this should be "And you must be upside down because all I see is an asshole talking". (I just made that up.)
4. "So do your nipples look weird? Mine went all crazy." Pardon? Unless this pregnant woman is someone that would tell you about her anal leakage or an odd growth on her armpit, then don't ask this kind of stuff and don't share this kind of crap with anybody. Ever.
5. "Sleep now because you won't get any when the baby gets here." What the hell does this mean anyway? It's not like you can bank sleep. It's like saying "Don't eat this year because an all-you-can-eat-buffet is opening up next March". Plus, who says that the woman you're saying this to is sleeping now? She may be a congested ball of heartburn, hemorrhoids and back pain so this kind of thing just adds insult to injury.
6."I hate that name." Really? Oh okay, then they won't name it that. Nobody cares that a girl named Angela took your oatmeal raisin cookie in grade two so don't lift up the tarp covering your mental baggage. On a similar note, if they want to name their kid Adolph or Kleenex just nod and say "nice" – that will be the least of that kid's problems anyway.
7. "Were you hoping for a girl/boy instead?" It's not really anyone's business and if she ain't sharin', don't ask. If you're asked this you should answer that you were actually hoping for a puppy that could fart rainbows then just walk away.
8. "Was this an accident?" A woman's reply to this should always be "suck my dick." It's a nice, clean, confusing retort for someone that is rude enough to ask this kind of question.
9. "Did you use fertility drugs?" I don't want to get all misty here but all babies are miracles and by asking a question like that you're somehow implying that babies that were conceived with 'help' are different from babies that weren't. Not cool so don't ask.
10. "Should you be eating that?" This whole website is about people embellishing myths and half truths to scare the crap out of pregnant ladies. So unless she's about to accidentally snack on dog shit, don't say anything and let the poor girl eat.
Finally, there are three things you always say to pregnant women:
1. "You look fantastic" Even if she is a sweaty, wheezing Jabba the Hut with swollen ankles and a maternity top that no longer covers her fish pail, tell her she looks fantastic. She is making a person and that's pretty fantastic.
2. "That's wonderful" If she tells you she's going to give birth squatting in a Mr. Turtle pool surrounded by chanting Tibetan squirrels, you say "that sounds wonderful". Every pregnant woman makes about 200 declarations of what she is and isn't going to do and about 4 stick. Don't ruin her moments.
3. "It's going to be alright" When she starts crying because the pizza shows up wrong or she panics because she used regular detergent to wash the baby's onsies so she'll be a horrible mother or simply because she threw a reciprocating saw at your head because "you're too much of a moron to understand what she's going through". This is when it's a good idea to pull out "it's going to be alright". A side car of "you look fantastic" couldn't hurt either.
Good luck.
44 Comments
Reader Comments (44)
Ten thumbs up on this post!
Number 8 is my favourite. I've heard it somewhere before.
OMG my MOTHER asked me #8!
I wish I had thought up a witty retort like that at the time.
Oh, my bump! It's thumping into things from laughing so hard...
Goodness, I should just print this out and give it to anyone who even looks at me wonky-eyed.
I swear I am going to start carrying a brick around because if I have to hear one more pregnancy horror story, I'm going to bludgeon myself.
This blog is hilarious. Oh so true. I've been ask most of those questions and reacted/answered the same thing as you wrote :-)
When I was pregnant with my first, my fil used to ask random people when we would be out if they thought I was having twins. I wanted to smack him! My baby was almost 9 lbs and 22 and a half inches long, big baby, not twins!!!
love reading you. i think we're related in some life...
one question, wtf is a fish pale? are we talking fopa here or what?
HA! I wasn't sure if people would know what a fish pail was.
I saw a guy with his giant, white stomach hanging out of his shirt and my friend say "he's got a good look going on there with his fish pail hanging out". I thought it was hysterical even though I'm not sure if it even makes sense. What do they put fish in anyway?
For the record, I had to look up fopa. I will now be using it in daily conversation.
and i'll now be adding fish pail to my repertoire. make sure you say fopa correctly. pronounced foo-pa. can't have you bustin out with hip lingo and lame pronunciation...
Gah, I think I love you. I just found your post for dads. I believe its your newest. I found it on Babycenter. Someone posted a link to you site. I have read several of them. I just love them. And, I hate when people ask you dumb questions. And give you dumb advice! Especially hate the TMI that people give about their experience. I will be coming back often to read!
i read through this last night...brought me lots of laughing out loud, and tears in my eyes! the hubby said he hadn't heard me laugh that hard in a long time...great website you have going here! thanks for the laughs as i slide into the third trimester...i need it!
Anytime, Brandy. Good luck with the final lap!
I just peed my pants reading this post. I'm almost 39 weeks pregnant, so I pee my pants quite often but that should in no way detract from the compliment to your humor this particular pee is paying.
I am in tears here, with laughter. Hilarious. thank you.
This is the best! I have 4 sons--the oldest 2 are twins, and when I was pregnant with them, I actually had a man I had never seen before approach me in a grocery store and loudly exclaim, "You're pretty BIG!" The only time someone said something that would've been construed as obnoxious that wasn't (coming from the person it came from) was, "Please have that baby now. It's paining all of us to watch you continue to be pregnant." This was stated by the Army ROTC director-neighbor, at 40 weeks on my last child. I could not have agreed with him more :).
The thing that sucks about this article is that none of those jerks who say these things will ever read this article!! Some one should print this out in BIG letters and post it on telephone poles and stop signs!
LO effing L! I just burst out in giggles in my office after reading these, got some pretty weird looks :). You're awesome Pregnant Chicken!
I am 8 months pregnant with my first (oh please, god, let this hell end soon) and last weekend, a complete stranger said to me, "Wow, you're wider than you are tall, but I bet you hear that all the time!" Oh HAHAHAHA you clever woman--actually no one has said that to me, can you believe that? I guess most people don't want to be kicked in the throat by my distended foot--go figure!
I am about 36 weeks pregnant and this just made me laugh out loud. I'm at work. In an office. I had to cover it with a cough. I think I've heard about 9/10 comments on your list. I'm having a girl. Although I looked like shit in the beginning, I think I look pretty good now. When people say, girls steal your beauty I begin to wonder.
I just sent my wife a text telling her that She looks fantastic, her pregnancy is wonderful, and everything is going to be alright.
Thank you for the advice :-)
I had a stranger ask me the usual gamut of "when are you due?", etc. The general questions of a mildly interested random stranger who is fascinated with the freak show of a pregnant woman. Then he followed up "do you know what you are you having?" (no) with "did you try for a certain gender?". Umm, is this random stranger really asking me about my sexual practices in Harvey's? Amazing.
The guy at starbucks also tried to refuse me a caffienated latte. He got an earful and then I asked him for hip OHIP billing number. Pregnancy makes you public domain. Awesome.
"And you must be upside down because all I see is an asshole talking"
Oh, I have got to remember this one! It is applicable in so many situations!
One thing I've heard repeatedly that really bugs me is "That's gone so quick!". As in, "You're twenty weeks? That's gone so quick!". No, no it hasn't. When you've suffered through morning sickness, heart burn, lack of sleep, and a bout of flu without the benefit of the good drugs, it's felt like an eternity already, and knowing that there's another twenty or so weeks to go doesn't make me feel any more benevolent towards the next person who makes the same comment.
OMG! You are so funny! So glad I found your site - you have me laughing out loud.
I'm not offended when people ask me if I'm hoping for a boy or girl. I don't get what would bother me about that. I agree with the rest of those, though.
I think they need to add, "Don't discredit pregnancy symptoms" Too many people are like "you can't be that tired." I want to punch them and say "Yes, I can!"
Actually, you're right, I should have reworded that one.
I was never offended the first time around when people asked me if I was hoping for one or the other before I knew what I was having but it really bugged me when I said I was having a boy then they'd follow up with "are you disappointed it's not a girl?". What? Why?
It was even worse the second time around when people kept saying "you must be hoping for a girl this time." because I already had a son. No, I'm hoping for a healthy baby and I think it's kind of mean to go around saying you're disappointed in the gender of your child before the poor bugger even gets here. (For the record, I love having two boys.)
Now I'm all obsessed with trying to fix that sentence. Curses!
; )