Tuesday
Jan182011
Clever Pregnancy Comebacks : Part Three
Here is the final installment of the Clever Comebacks!
Thanks to the peeps on Facebook who helped me with the "caffeine" comebacks – all I could think of was "fuck off".
Are you sure you're not having twins?! You're so big!
- Shhh, it's actually a litter of puppies but don't tell anyone yet.
- No, I actually have a condition called "Ur-a-dick". Google it. It's spelled the way it sounds.
- Did you say "twins" or "violins"? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.
"Is the nursery ready?"
- No, the baby isn't going to be staying with us.
- Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
- Sort of, we're just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.
"You must have wanted a girl/boy instead"
- Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
- Yes, I'm having a custom t-shirt made that says "I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl".
- I'll just trade it for something else in the hospital.
"You're just hormonal."
- Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
- "I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn't mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil."
- I think you mean "ormornal". The "h" is silent when you're speaking in moron.
"How are you going to handle another one?!"
- We're selling the oldest one on eBay.
- Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
- I just won't pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.
How ya feeling? (with a head tilt).
- I don't know, I'm still a little drunk.
- Strangely violent today.
- It's funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).
"You should NOT be drinking caffeine." (or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that's none of their damn business).
- Oh my gosh, Th...ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
- The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don't fuck with the Voices.
- Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
- You shouldn't be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn't bring that to your attention.
- This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
- It's not caffeine. It's doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
- You're right, tequila is better.
- Fuck off.
29 Comments
Reader Comments (29)
LOVE this! I could definitely use a couple of these since EVERYONE asks me if I wanted a boy instead of a girl and they tell me I'm too big! =(
i really love this because when i was pregnant with my son i heard "are you sure your not having twins" or "is there more than one in there" about a hundred times not to mention "that baby isnt out yet" and "wow you have been pregnant forever." so these i could defiantly use being pregnant with my second baby.
Oh thanks for the comments about the nursery, I love the electric fence one! And all the caffeine ones are great!
When people asked me, " Are you sure your not having twins!?!" with a giggle and a smile on their face. I'd answer.
Nope.. just fat.
thanks for pointing it out though!
I love the shock value of these comments! Very funny!
how about the good ole, "you shouldnt have colored your hair! thats so bad for the baby!" Ive read up on it and asked my doc, they said it was fine. But when I tried to defend my new do, all i got was the, "youre slow in the head" look. People suck.
These are just wonderful! I am so very tired of being asked "Are you sure it isn't twins?" (and after 4 ultrasounds I can assure everyone that it isn't) I will have to remember the clever comebacks next time someone asks.
Thank you so much for these.
Now please print this on a laminated index card that I can carry around with me and whip out in case of emergency. =]
I'm laughing so hard I may go into labor!
Next time someone does the annoying head tilt "How are you feeling?" I will definitely be using "I don't know, I'm still a little drunk."
Why can't people ask how you're feeling or if you're building a nursery? Or is it because you get asked that a bajillion times?
I'm sure for the most part it is NOT meant to be intentionally offensive, but rather to express interest in an amazing and exciting part of your life. What are people supposed to do? Swerve to the side when walking past, giving a berth of at least 30 feet, and not make eye contact, just to ensure not to enrage you? Yes, some people are completely clueless and often give opinions when they aren't asked for or needed. But if the old lady behind you at Safeway wants to wink and say she can tell its a boy, how hard is it to just smile or nod and then go back to your own business. People just want to share in your joy. (Unless they are lecturing you about something - then I believe you have every right to smack them in the back of the head)
Bwahahahaha! These are perfect!
So funny!! I actually had twins before, six years ago, and people are always asking if this pregnancy is twins again. A few weeks ago (at like 34 weeks pregnant) someone I barely know asked me again "Are you sure it is not twins?" I really almost said "So glad you think it looks like I am having twins - that was definitely the look I was going for. I had better ask my doctor again, maybe they missed that in all the examinations they did in the last seven months!"
You are totally right, Yowza. Personally, I was totally able to take the tummy pats and the same questions over and over again when I knew it was coming from an honest place.
It was the people you *knew* were just asking you this shit so they could launch into "Well, you better get on that nursery before the baby gets here" in that sing-song-you-want-to-punch-them-in-the-face tone.
I chalk it up to the difference between "You look great!" (meaning you look great) and "You look great!" (meaning you don't usually and I'm actually surprised that you don't look disgusting).
It's the shades of subtle shittery ; )
I keep getting the twins question! I'm going to write these down so I don't forget, next time someone asks!
Thanks!
I swear I'm a magnet for rude comments, and like Yowza, I don't even consider some of these things necessarily rude. (I get asked how I'm feeling and where we're going to keep the baby all the time and it doesn't bother me.) But something about me must subtly indicate to people that they can say whatever they want to me and get away with it. Last night at a restaurant the waitress first informed me that I was going to have a boy (which was stupid but not necessarily rude), and then, after she asked how far along I was, went ON and ON about how she could not BELIEVE I'm only 6 months pregnant because I am SO BIG that I look like I'm pushing 9 months and will go into labor AT ANY MINUTE. What the hell is wrong with people? Thanks, lady, for just gratuitously letting me know that I look like a lardass to you.
My MIL likes to ask if the nursery is ready even though she's been in our tiny one bedroom apartment. She also got us the crib. But still I get (almost daily) "Did you make your dinning room into the nursery yet?" um. No. Because I'm not leaving the Baby in the dinning "area" with the cats... Its like a nook.
Awkward belly rubbing story: My SIL is crazy. At least and crazy as her mom. ANYwho, shes the only person to touch my belly. We were actually at a punk show in the city and she came up to me (shes really short with really big curly hair) and puts her hands on my stomach and starts going "OHHH HELLO BABY! HELLO BABY EDDY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE BABY???" and I'm feeling kind of punch drunk and I'm really not a person you touch. Ever. I guess I just give off that vibe. Shes doing that so I just randomly start playing with her hair. She backed off after a minute, and didn't rub my belly again. So I guess the counter petting works!
Wish you had some for people's comments about induction, c-section, choosing to get an epidural, etc. Everyone seems to have an opinion about the labor.
Awesome! Just yesterday I had the "Your drinking coffee!?" I wish I would have read this yesterday so I could have used a witty comeback. UGH!!
I just delivered last month - MAN I wish I'd stumbled across this 6 months ago!!
I am just so sick of hearing "You BETTER get an epidural"... And what if I don't?? Will it hurt?? I kinda think it is supposed to.
Ah yes. Unsolicited petting.
Well, I am generally an approachable huggy person...if you are someone I want to be approached by and want to hug. That said, I think it is pretty obvious that I am not the, "please come pet my belly, kind of girl"
So, my gameplan (so far the unsolicited pets have been minimal and I am over 6 months now - the look on my face must be doing enough for now) will be to reach out and touch their belly as soon as they touch mine. *awkward*, but will get the point across.
This of course, is if it happens to be on a day I am not wearing the shirt I am in the process of making that says, "I'm pregnant, not furry. Don't pet me."
I might add that I find it interesting that people seem to look down upon me for not having a lot of typical pregnancy related issues. I mean, I have manageable heartburn. That is it. I have not had a moment or nausea etc, etc...and I am eternally grateful for that. I don't rub it in to people and I complain about the heartburn and little aches here and there as little as humanly possible. SO, when someone asks and I tell them and the response is, "well, you'll get yours yet! If it is easy now, the (deliivery, lack of sleep etc, etc) will make up for it!" I am a bit challenged to see how I 'deserve' to be paid back for a pleasant pregnancy. Sheesh. Some people's children.
Yowza, I think the feeling most pregnant women get is that other people treat you as though you have a disease or aren't a real person just because you are pregnant. Plus, we're irritable and uncomfortable and just plain not in the mood for BS most the time. (case and point.) But otherwise, I'm doing peachy!
When I was pregnant with my 3rd child (of 4) people kept asking me if we were trying for a boy since we already had 2 girls. This REALLY got on my nerves. I finally just snapped and said "no, we are just trying for a HUMAN!" It did turn out to be ironic though, as I do have 2 little boys now.
http://somebodysparents.blogspot.com/search?q=rude lol reminds me of this post on somebody's parents blog
I enjoy the glitter-burping kitten. Can I get that on a sweatshirt?
I like - "Do you know the sex yet?" - Yes! We love the sex! The sex is what lead to this!
or - "Do you know what it is yet?" - oooooh, I hope it's puppy! ohpleaseohpleaseohplease!
I just left my dr appointment (I'm 25 weeks and my belly is HUGE) and some idiot in the parking lot (a man) says to me, "Wow you must be ready to pop" I responded, "Not yet, I'm not due for another 15 weeks but thanks for calling me fat... pregnant ladies appreciate that, especially in public! (My dr had just told me I've gained too much weight, I am probably going to keep getting leg cramps and I should go to zero caffeine... good time to hear I'm huge from a total stranger)