Loss and Miscarriage
I debated on doing a post on miscarriage and loss because the whole point of this site is not to scare pregnant women. That said, I seriously doubt that the worry of loss hasn't crossed any of your minds. 
Sometimes loss is sadly a part of pregnancy and it's often a dark topic that nobody wants to talk about and you become a part of a secret society that no one wants to be in.
Around 1 in 4 known pregnancies end in miscarriage which means it's still a pretty common occurrence.
When you think about it, every single baby that is born is a miracle. A fucking miracle. When you think of how many things fall into place to make that little person, it truly is incredible and a wonderful thing. And when the pieces don't fall into place it can be a devastating experience for the people looking forward to that little person being a part of their lives.
Whenever I hear that someone has miscarried the first thing I think is "I'm so sorry for their loss", the second thing I think is "I hope people don't accidentally say stupid shit to them". Things like:
It wasn't meant to be. It doesn't cut it when they are out of your shoe size and it sure as hell doesn't cut it when you've lost a baby.
It was God's plan. A few people may find comfort in this statement but most would be downright offended so I would never throw that one out there.
You can have more. They are mourning THAT baby not any baby. I'm sad when they forget my side of fries so can you imagine what it's like when someone finds out they aren't going to have a whole person in their lives anymore?
It was probably from all your _______ (stress, jumping, eating, breathing, etc). Even if she was shooting heroin in the Ultimate Fighter Championship cage how on earth does someone think it would be any comfort to anyone to blame her for her loss? It is shitty and they should expect to be put in a guillotine choke hold for throwing that one out there.
At least you have your other children. So if someone has three children, they'd be willing to ditch one or two? Or how about, "Don't worry that your arm and ear is missing because you have extra ones."? Nope, not a good thing to say.
This isn't bad, so-and-so had three miscarriages. Anything crappy can more than likely be trumped by someone else's crappy but it doesn't make the person feel better it just makes them feel like they aren't entitled to feeling bad. They are.
You need to ________ (get on with your life, concentrate on the children you already have, whittle wooden whistles, etc). It's one thing to suggest things that might get the loss off their mind but it's another thing to tell them how to mourn. Some people hold it all in. Some people bawl and want to talk about it. Some people want to crawl in bed and feel like shit. None of them are wrong.
At least you weren't that far along. If I won the lottery, I would have it mentally spent in about 20 minutes. These couples have had weeks, if not months, to think about a baby that isn't going to happen now. Saying something like that is just undermining their loss.
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When it all comes down to it, I know that people say these things because they are trying to make the person feel better and they don't mean to be hurtful. On the flip side, people who avoid someone who has miscarried because they're afraid to step in it, isn't being helpful either.
I truly think one of the best things anyone can do when they find out someone has lost a baby is to listen. You can hear how they are grieving and see if there is anyway to help them, then help.
Some of the things that I think would be better to say and do:
- I'm so sorry for your loss.
- I had a miscarriage too. Let me know if you ever want to talk about it.
- I don't know what to say but I'm here for you and I want to help.
- Do you want to talk about it?
- Offer to help with housework, babysitting, meals, etc.
- Call and check in because the pain doesn't go away in a couple days.
If all else fails, stick it in a card if you're too worried you're going panic and put your foot in your mouth. The whole point to let the person know that they are being thought of and that they aren't alone.
As for all you pregnant ladies, I can't tell you not to worry because you probably will anyway but I can tell you that in researching this site, I'm finding there isn't a heck of a lot you can do to change the outcome of a pregnancy — most of the no-nos just "turn the screws" a little one way or the other. Sometimes they stick and sometimes they don't and it's shitty when they don't.
There is nothing we can do to guarantee we all get a healthy baby so that is all the more reason to rejoice when we do get one of those screaming, pooing, hungry little miracles.
46 Comments
Reader Comments (46)
Thank you for this!
It's always hard to find the words when someone loses a baby and sometimes, "I'm sorry" really is enough.
And you're right, it doesn't go away in a few days.
As insightful as always.
This is very well written. My husband and I tried for awhile (we already have one child, our daughter), when we finally did we were over joyed. Right before my second trimester we found out things were not going well and sadly we lost the baby.
I was due Jan 2011 (Not a day goes by I don't think about, and with the due date rapidly approaching I think about it more and more), and when I was going through the grieving process, I heard most of thing under the "Do Not say". It made me feel worse and I distanced myself from everyone.
Thank you for this.
Amy
Having lost a child at 20 weeks, I approve whole heartedly. The best thing you can do is let that person deal with the loss for as long as they need to and however they need to. And though that mommy may not say it, it means a lot to have friends that stick by you through a loss and just let you know they are there.
During the time that I was creating my family - I had four children and three miscarriages. Each loss was the most awkward time I have ever encountered. It is a deeply personal loss. I found it to be unlike losing a relative. I did not want to share most of my feelings with anyone - sometimes not even my husband. I also learned that everyone deals with it differently. I learned that hormones and emotion make it very muddy waters to tread in. I needed space.
At someone's suggestion, I tried to attend a "miscarriage group" - but found it to be too difficult a place to heal. While the common denominator may be a "loss" the reasons behind them were all clearly different as were the final outcomes. Relationships built in that group, were built on a quicksand like surface. For some that had continued losses, watching others give birth was painful. I eventually left the group.
My family did their best to understand, but I knew they never would. I kept things sealed up - in the vault- allowed time to work it's magic and prayed my way through many moments. I never faulted anyone for trying to help - but certainly wanted to sequester myself from the world many times. Even from my husband. And that is okay too.
It has been nearly 18 years since my first miscarriage, 17 years since the 2nd and 12 years since the 3rd and I have been blessed with 4 children - but I've never forgotten how it felt each time. My second miscarriage has always presented a particular challenge in that I was carrying twins. I lost one - but gave birth to the other - who is my first born. I have often wondered about the twin as I have watched his brother grow. Yet I have NEVER spoken those words to another living soul.
Offers to help with basic tasks - meals, cleaning, carpooling are always a safe offer. The words "I'm sorry" are more than sufficient. Prayer is golden. You don't need to tell anyone that you are praying for them - just do it. Anything more on the part of the consoler or the grieved should not be expected.
You're right - just saying you're sorry and letting them know that you are there for them really is enough. Let them know you're there to talk, even if it's 3 am and they can't sleep.
Thank you for this thoughtful post. Most people are well-meaning, but often say the wrong things. I believe much of this can also be applied to couples who are infertile, which can be just as devastating as suffering a loss.
amazing post!! clever wording....and almost funny....but I would have felt guilty chuckling........the words ring true!
Thank you for this! I lost my first child January of 2010 at 7 weeks with no explanation. While I was coping with the loss I needed to know I had support because I felt so incredibly alone. I made myself not get upset with people that said "the wrong thing" because I knew they were trying to comfort me.
Today I'm 22 weeks, but the fear is still very real. Especially with the anniversary of the loss of my first fast approaching.
Thank you for this post! I have never been pregnant, but have been struggling with infertility for the past 2 years. I've gone through numerous fertility treatments, including a failed IVF cycle last month, and much of what you wrote here resounded deeply with me. Sometimes the best thing a person can say is "I'm sorry". Offering to lend a listening ear is nice too, but only if you mean it and will be able to offer support and encouragement without offering suggestions of what the person could be doing differently. Nobody wants unsolicited advice when they're grieving! Thanks so much for writing this. :)
Thank you so much for this. I've only had one very early chemical pregnancy but I'm infertile and have been trying for nearly two years; so any discussion you can start regarding pregnancy loss or those struggling with conceiving is very much appreciated. We represent the other, seedier side to having children and as you said, people don't like to talk about it, but it exists and affects more people than the average person might imagine. Thank you again.
Perfect.
One thing that I found is that our 2 miscarriages were as different from each other as any of our other children. Having a baby to bury was very different than not having one and the feelings and thoughts that surrounded that were diverse. The best thing was having people who were willing to listen as often as I needed to talk about it. We had a wise friend remind us also that husband and wife don't grieve in the same way. That was a very helpful reminder since my husband had very different feelings about the experience. Since he didn't have to actually deliver a dead baby, his connection to him is different.
Thank you so much for sharing this! My husband & I struggled with infertility and finally conceived our daughter thanks to IVF, sadly we lost her at 23wks into my pregnancy and we heard many of the you can try again type comments, which just compounded our loss because it was far from that simple for us. I'm so glad to have stumbled upon your blog and look forward to following you!
A great blog, thank you! I agreed with every point.
A couple of years ago, when I told the four friends in my close circle about my miscarriage, the general response was "I'm sorry, we know how much you wanted this baby, we're here for you if you need us". Except for one woman, whose response was "We've all had one" in an tone that suggested what she really meant to say was "Swallow some cement, harden the fuck up and move on". That was the beginning of the end of our friendship (for more reasons than just her attitude on this occasion).
Great post, really great post. It's also terrible to say something about how the baby probably had some sort of biological defect and wouldn't have been able to survive anyway. Don't be sad that your Grandma died, it's not like someone can live with catastrophic heart damage from a heart attack. Also, you may not know if someone has experienced a loss, so just don't bring up kids. Nine days after my first pregnancy ended, someone who had no idea asked me if someone else's baby crying made me want to have kids.
I'm glad I saw that "it's god's will" or "god let it happen" was listed in do not say. Women can often think of it deeply as, "god doesn't want me to have children. He took it, it's okay."
it isn't.
it can also make women want to turn from religion which we don't want to do. Don't push religion on someone like that after a loss.
Thanks for this. You totally hit the nail on the head. My husband and I lost 3 and I remember the ultrasound tech showing me on the screen the baby that I was losing and at the same time telling me "you can always have another one". I still to this day think about how many women that moron must say that to and it makes me want to smack him!
Very well written.
Very nice post. I lost my first super early on. One of the people I had confided in went on to tell me to be grateful I wasn't stuck in that situation anymore.
I didn't tell anyone but my husband and my Mom I was pregnant with this one until well into the second trimester.
Sometimes I think people really just don't know what to say and a little sympathy goes a long way. I can excuse stupid comments from people who you know mean well, because they can be "taught" but some people can be just mean. Just because I was 21 doesn't mean my life would have been over for that child, nor does it mean I wasn't perfectly happy with dedicating my life to that child. Because now, even though I am a grumpy whale-like pregnant lady who complains all the time, I am so excited about this baby, and I'll love him like no ones business, but that doesn't mean that first one isn't always on my mind. I still find my self thinking of what my child would have been like at 1 or 2 or now 4. Its beyond me to comprehend how I could ever "just get over it".
Thank you for bringing this painful topic to light. This is more then I've shared with anyone about my first pregnancy, so I hope it makes an inkling of sense. And my heart is with all the other ladies who share their grief.
You are truly a gift Blogger! Your post make me laugh until I ca cry! THANK you!
amen, sister. we had a 1 year old daughter (that took 13 months of trying, thankyouverymuch) when we had a miscarriage after trying for 8 months. ...and now we have been trying for a total of 21 months for #2...and yet my mother-in-law will still say to me, 'it just wasn't meant to be, natalie' and 'you'll have another in god's time'.
a miscarriage is so very painful--and so much more so when it's hard for the person to get pregnant to begin with.
Hi, I am so sorry for you loss. Thanks for educating those who don't know what to say. I too had three miscarriages, and each one is a loss, no matter what. I totally agree with you about how huge of a miracle it is to even have a baby. So many things have got to happen at the right time. Let me know if you want to talk and know that I will be thinking about you. Take care.
Thank you for this post. I miscarried during my first pregnancy at 8 weeks, and I heard everything under the "DO NOT" column. It was so frustrating, even my own mother said some/most of those of things... Since she had never had a miscarriage, she had no idea how to react. I was due September 13, 2010. I have since gotten pregnant, and am now 17 weeks along and everything seems perfect, but I'm still worried... While I wish I would have read this months ago, it was still helpful to read now. Thank you again.
Just, thank you for this. I have a son who turns 8 next week and we are expecting our second child in February. Before my son I had two miscarriages, and I went on to have 4 more in the years after him that we were trying. Whenever the subject would come up people seemed more uncomfortable than anything. I don't think anyone said anything to me from the Do Not column, but I was often met with awkward silence, which honestly, isn't much better. The few people who responded sympathetically were those who I've come to realize are my true friends and people I can count on.
Thank you so much for this post. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage after trying for a baby for over a year. I was 8 weeks along. All of these things were said to us, and all of the people saying these things had never been through this. I honestly didn't want to hear all of the cliches that goes along with a loss. Say you're sorry, and that's it. That's all I needed. However, we did mourn our loss and we still miss that baby everyday. I am now 17 weeks pregnant. It took over a year to get pregnant after our miscarriage. I'm truly ecstatic to be this far along in my pregnancy, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss that child that we could have had.
Again, thank you so very much. I enjoy reading your blog very very much!!
Good topic. I had an early miscarriage years ago, followed by a healthy son. I think the best any of us can do is offer a suffering friend your ear and your time - let them know that you're there for them in whatever way they need you - to talk, cry, go out, hang out, have a cocktail, whatever. If you HAVE had a miscarriage, find a way to talk about it with the friends that are most receptive. Most of my girlfriends with children have had miscarriages, and just being able to talk openly about it made me feel like this can be a normal occurance in an otherwise healthy reproductive life. Best of health to all the preggos reading this - I'm 16 weeks and always full of worry, but doing everything to relax and enjoy it!
Those are great responses on what to say. Thanks for the tip! I always felt awkward. On the other hand, I am glad I haven't said the 'what NOT to say' things at all! Phew!