Breastfeeding – All about chemistry...
I was so excited to get this post from my bud at New Mom on the Blog, because it pretty much sums up how I felt about breastfeeding even though I didn't take chemistry (I don't like science unless you're adding mentos to coke or making my hair shiny). No matter. This post is brilliant and I hope you like it as much as I do.
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When I was in high school, I was, for all intents and purposes (read: if you don't count gym class) a straight-A student. I've mentioned that on my blog before and I will keep mentioning until one of you people send me a freaking medal.
Kidding.
My sophomore year, one of the classes I did exceptionally well in was Chemistry. I had a great teacher and somehow ended up really enjoying the class. When time came to register for the next year's classes, I boldly signed up for ADVANCED COLLEGE-LEVEL CHEMISTRY knowing that I would surely excel given my track record.
Flash forward to the first semester of ADVANCED COLLEGE-LEVEL CHEMISTRY where I am crying as I attempt to complete my impossibly hard homework. And that was the second week of classes.
It was hard. I had never felt so un-masterful at something in my life.
Several tearful conversations with my parents and one phone call to a guidance counselor later, I was turning in a slip asking my Chemistry teacher to allow me to drop the class. I felt like an absolutely total failure and it was one of the few things in my life that I had ever really given up on.
Now, flash forward about 10 years. It's 2:00 am. I have a tiny baby who is screaming to be fed, but who seems to slip off every time I get him to latch onto my breast. I'm asking my husband to bring me the nipple shield "just one more time" to see if it helps at all. I'm screaming at him when his exhausted hands fumble it so that it lands on the floor and he has to go wash it for the 12th time that day. The helpful words of a lactation consultant – Don't get too dependent on the nipple shield or it might affect your supply – are ringing in my ears. And suddenly, I am that same girl failing ADVANCED COLLEGE-LEVEL CHEMISTRY except that this time it is with the life of another human and I'm ready to just crumple into a ball of tears. I'm failing. Again.
I start out with this story so that I can explain to any reader out there who is considering breast feeding or who is currently struggling with breast feeding – it. is. freaking. HARD.
Anyone who tells you differently? Is either a wizard, a genius, or - most likely, LYING OUT OF THEIR ASS.
All of that said? There are lots of things in life that are hard and are still totally worth doing. Shoot, at this point, you already have survived child birth – and most women describe that as the hardest thing they've ever done. Breast feeding should be cake, no?
The answer is NO. It isn't. It's ADVANCED COLLEGE-LEVEL CHEMISTRY.
Before I was pregnant, I was a completely clean slate when it came to feeding options for babies.
I was breast fed, but my mother was also a working mother (and this was before the days of lactation rooms and two-phase expression technology electric pumps) so when she wasn't at home, we got formula.
Pretty much up until my friends started having kids, I thought feeding with a combination of formula and breast milk was normal. In fact, I once made the mistake of innocently and naively making a statement like that once.
It was then that I was quickly initiated into the hottest debate this side of motherhood.
Let it be known that I am not one for any kind of polarized debate unless I'm watching it unfold on an episode of Real Housewives and table flipping is involved.
And because of this, even before my child was a blip on an ultrasound screen, I found myself feeling intimidated into making certain choices and slowly internalizing this guilty feeling that if I didn't succeed in breast feeding my child – I was a big. fat. FAILURE.
When I, myself, became pregnant I quickly adopted a motto I hold throughout my life – I'll try anything once. After all, breast feeding seemed like a reasonable, cost-effective, and nurturing choice. So, why not? My cousin suggested a great book, I signed up for classes, and talked to lots of different friends, health professionals, and fellow mothers all to learn how to breastfeed.
In my contact with this brief education, I saw an overwhelming theme: judgment.
It became clear that people who were passionately pro-breastfeeding were...well, passionate. And? A little nutty. (Calm down, I said "a little.") It also became clear that a lot of those same people were ready to call me a failure the minute I didn't succeed in something that is supposed to be "the most natural and nurturing thing a mother can do" but what I also came to find was the scariest and hardest thing I would embark upon in. my. life. And that feeling of judgment and failure brought back even more painful memories of ADVANCED COLLEGE-LEVEL CHEMISTRY.
Those feelings didn't exactly make me want to succeed.
It made me want to quit before I even started.
Yes, breast milk is the perfect food source that is engineered by your body for exactly your baby. It is in an incredible bonding experience. The health benefits are innumerous and the science behind it is so freaking cool it will blow your damn mind. The research supports women who choose to breast feed their children.
So, why do some of those same women feel the need to demonize any mother who even sniffs in the direction of a can of formula?
Unfortunately, I can't answer that question.
I can tell you that breast feeding is so freaking awesome for you and for your baby.
I can also tell you that it's really hard.
I can tell you that there are lots of "fun" things that can happen to you while breast feeding - thrush, engorgement, mastitis, etc.
I can also tell you that while I wore bras with underwire, cut down to 1-2 pumping sessions very quickly once I went back to work, and never had a single supply issue - I also never was affected by any of the above.
I can tell you that some women are fanatical about breast feeding and will whip out a boob in protest of any person, place, or thing that doesn't fully support her right to public nudity.
I can also tell you that you don't have to be one of those women.
I can tell you that in your contact with books, nurses, and lactation consultants that you will learn about 8 different ways to hold, latch, and nurse.
I can also tell you that none of those people or books told me that my son was "tongue tied" and that's why he had a little trouble learning how to latch.
AND, I can tell you that eventually we worked it out without intervention.
I can tell you my favorite metaphor about breast feeding: that it's like a nurse walking into a room, handing you a syringe, and telling you to give yourself an injection without teaching you how to do it.
I can also tell you that, eventually, you'll learn how to give yourself the injection.
I can tell you that for me, breast feeding was like ADVANCED COLLEGE-LEVEL CHEMISTRY and that at the beginning, I wanted to quit every single day.
I can also tell you that after 12 successful months of breast feeding, I am so so so glad I didn't.
I can tell you that if you choose to breast feed, you are going to be so happy you did. You are going to have a happy, loved baby and you're going to enjoy every minute of it.
I can also tell you that if you try it and it doesn't work, if you decide it isn't for you, or if something else happens where you aren't able to continue with breast feeding, you need to pour yourself a gigantic glass of wine, and pat yourself on the back for trying. Also? You are going to have a happy, loved baby and you're going to enjoy every minute of it.
And if you do choose to "give up" to drop ADVANCED COLLEGE-LEVEL CHEMISTRY? That's okay. You are not – I repeat – NOT a failure.
My only wish is that more moms would stop being all judgy-wudgy of each other and the things that we do. I wish that these mothers will instead begin offering the acceptance needed to be successful in breast feeding in parenting. Mothers who feel supported in their choices are more likely to stick with those choices. And that goes for breast feeding or daycare or vaccinations or prospective colleges.
Mothers who are able to get the education about breast feeding that they need will be more successful in trying it.
Mothers who feel judged by any doubts, questions, or choices they make? Will want to give up before they even start.
So, the next time a mother-to-be innocently discusses the scary topic of breast feeding with you – maybe come from a place of acceptance and support. Give her balanced, helpful, and good information about how great/not great breast feeding was for you, but make sure she knows that whatever she chooses is the right choice.
I may only be one year into this whole motherhood thing, but I can tell you this – that's all I've ever wanted to hear.
25 Comments
Reader Comments (25)
You might be my twin! I also had the EXACT same relationship with Chemsitry, only to major in it then feel awful when I just couldn't get it....the comparassion to my breast feeding challenges are spot on! Thanks for a great article! I can't wait to share! The more new mom's know that this is NOT easy and its ok that it's not would take so much pressure off!
You know what would be just as awesome? People also being non-judgemental about other people's birth plans and/or deliveries. That would be super cool. Because if I hear one more person tell me that I'm crazy for wanting a drug-free delivery (and at home if I can talk my hubby in to it), my pregnancy hormones are going to punch them in the face. :)
Great post! Sharing with my new mommy friend who is having a hard time getting her 3-week old to latch but is trying her hardest to make it work!
AMEN, I am breastfeeding (so far!... 5 days into motherhood) it's working well for me but I'm putting that down to the baby rather than to mysef - I was almost completely put off by all of the preachy mums out there (at work everyone is all "get an epidural, feed them formula, you NEED a £100 baby bag and a £1000 pushchair" and in my social group they're all like "give birth under a tree, wear your baby, breastfeed in the street" the simple reason I'm breastfeeding is IT'S FREE!! nothing more high and mighty than that.. but I dont want people to interpret me as one of 'those' preachy breastfeeding mums.
Good luck Jes, I wanted a very active, water birth using only gas and air as pain relief... managed the gas and air bit but everything else went out of the window as I was partially induced and had to be constantly monitored during my labour :-( got a couple of different positions in but it's hard when you're all strapped to monitors and my baby was a little impatient (4 hour labour, ouch) so I needed an episiotomy and stitches... anyhow anyone who say's it's mad is just projeccting their own fear on you and are best ignored. It can be done naturally and the more natural you keep it the quicker you will recover with your shiny new baby (and believe me it's GREAT! even with stitches haha)
xxx Much love to everyone
Amen. My god it was so hard in those early weeks. It seems like it should be so easy, Hungry, screaming baby, meet nipple. And it seem like everyone who was supposed to be "helping" me was more concerned about advancing the breastfeeding cause and less concerned with my hungry baby. Telling me not to give in and feed from another source when my child is screaming her fool-head off is NOT helpful.
In the end, despite my shocking, abusive decision to do a little bottle feeding in those early days, my daughter went on to nurse, enthusiastically, for 17 months.
You have to do what is best for your baby and if anyone doesn't like it, tell them to go suck a, um, pacifier. Yeah, pacifier (oh my newborn used one of those too).
This is a great post, everyone associated with breastfeeding should read it.
I was fortunate to work with some very understanding lactation consultants who cheerleaded me through my supply issues, I was more judgemental and hard on myself than they were.
Here's an important fact for moms with low supply; it's not all or nothing. Every ounce has huge benefits for your baby. If you have to give formula so your baby gets enough to eat it's ok. Breastfeeding when you have low supply is even harder. It's harder to stick with it when all you read online says anyone can breastfeed and not have supply issues. The implication being that if you do have supply issues you're not trying hard enough, aren't dedicated enough, are a failure.
The thing those sanctimonious people who look down their noses at people who give formula to their kids need to realize is by making it appear to be an all or nothing situation they're making it harder on women who may be just as dedicated to breastfeeding as they are, but having problems. It's hard to talk about those problems when you're going to get shouted down by Lactivists.
Thank you.
The best advice I have ever received is this: The number one rule is to feed your baby. Sure, it’s a completely simple and obvious rule, but it’s true. The rule is not to feed your baby breastmilk – its just feed your baby. In those first few days after my daughter was born and I had no breastmilk and I felt like a complete failure and horrible mother, my third lactation consult looked at me and said “honey, the number one rule is that you feed this baby – and that is exactly what you are doing with this formula”. Somehow a light bulb went off for me in that moment. Eventually, after a lot of work, my milk came in (it took over a week) and we were able to breastfeed, which I loved. After I went back to work my supply dropped off and we had to supplement, but I really tried not to sweat it. I was making sure my baby was well fed and that is the most important thing.
Love it!
I'm six months pregnant with my first and I am so sick of all of the negative comments everyone has. What happened to all of the good stories of beautiful childbirth and the things to follow? I had a sister who has two kids and tried breast feeding with her first for about a week and stopped, and a very involved MIL that is very pro b feeding and so my husband says only b feeding for his kids. Luckily he has no breasts so he has no decision :) a close girlfriend just had her first and is b feeding and so she has enlightened me a bit with how it really is so I feel a little more prepared. But in the end It's my child and my decision and blame it on the hormones, I guess, but I really just want to tell all the nay sayers and overly "concerned" persons where to stick it. Thank you for this post!
Though I did not get a lot of judgemental comments either way, I agree with this post. I never dropped advanced-level-chemistry ('cause I never started it), so I have started comparing breastfeeding with delivering a baby.
* "yes, it is natural, but that does not mean that it all goes by itself"
* "yes, it is natural, but it is different for every new baby".
I admit that the comparison does not fit entirely (I doubt many people would deliver a baby for 12 months or longer...), but the sentiment is there :-)
In addition, I will happily tell every mother on the verge of desperation any variation of:
* Every drop of breastmilk is one (so stopping does not make all the milk they already drank void).
* Yes, breastfeeding is healthier. But formula feeding (and water quality) are very good too, so for most babies the health-difference is so small, that a very unhappy or stressed mother probably reduces the health difference.
* Keep in mind: they still might start smoking when they are 12
So, in summary:
No matter what you choose, someone will tell you that you are wrong! If you go to a breastfeeding forum, there are the stories of people who keep on hearing that they should stop. So choose the options that makes you feel the happiest, because then you are at least comfortable while you are judged :-)
Thank you so much for posting this!!! My dd was incredibly hard to breastfeed, but with the help of a nipple shield at first, we made it to a year and I was glad I did, even when I wanted to quit (and yes, we supplemented with formula because the little squirt wasn't really gaining weight when her only food supply was me). I thought my ds couldn't be any worse at breastfeeding than she was, but I was wrong. The lactation consultant at the hospital was stunned at how hard he fought (read, SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER) at breastfeeding and couldn't figure out why he was having such a hard time when I was doing everything right. We lasted 2 months of agonizing screaming, crying (and the baby didn't like it either) before I got a bad case of mastitis and basically lost my milk supply. After switching to formula, I finally bonded with my son and found out that I actually liked him, his 2 year old sister stopped hiding in her room with her hands over her ears, and he turned from a scrawny beanpole to a healthy baby. I'm all for breastfeeding, but sometimes it. just. doesn't. work.
So very well said! From a new mother whose milk supply never came in, I say thank you!
This is the MOST honest and non-judgementally (know that's not a word but it works) article I've read about breastfeeding EVER. Thank you, thank you. I had SO many issues trying to bf my first. And with preserverance and a LOT of support from my hubby, I did for 6 months....but it was the most intense, difficult thing I've ever done (Chemistry aside - I'm NO expert in science). Thank you for sharing this in the most heartfelt, sincere and humourous way.
Love this post! I, TO THIS DAY, say that the most underestimated, underrated, underdiscussed and under, well, you get my drift, part of being a new mother is how effing hard breast feeding is. And yes, it did work out for me because I was an absolute NIGHTMARE (literally, at one point my mother said to me that there was no way the 'benefits' of breastfeeding would outway the psychological distress I was imparting on my newborn- not the best thing to say to the mother of a 5-day old, but in hindsight, she was probably right. Okay, partially right.) So, I just want to say thanks for writing what you have because, well, because it wasn't my prettiest moment, and even now my kid isn't a great eater. And sometimes I can't help but think that all my frustration over the breastfeeding with him hasn't somehow affected his passion for eating (because I certainly have it!) Alas, a mother's guilt knows no end, but with that said, I agree that mama's need to be cut some slack, regardless of what feeding method works for them...
With my daughter, breastfeeding was a huge struggle for about the first 3 months. I think I quit and un-quit every single day! I don't think that anything has tormented me so much as deciding to continue or not. I ended up making it to 10 months... would have gone longer but my husband deployed and she freaked and went on a strike, hence, bye bye milk. I'm glad that I made it as far as I did, but now with another one coming, I don't know if I can handle that emotional roller coaster again with a new baby while taking care of a toddler too. I'm just hoping the second time goes way better so it's a non issue... but knowing what I do now, if I do just go the formula route, I know that I won't beat myself up about it like before because it's totally ok!
That was freakin' awesome
I couldn't agree more with your post and it's so wonderful to hear another mother felt the same way that I did! Thank you!!!
Reading this is like deja vu for me because I ALSO in my head thought breastfeeding was like trying to learn organic chemistry -basically, for me, anyway, really hard at first. ha. glad I am not the only one. Also glad breastfeeding ended up working out much better for me than organic chemistry every did!
thank you for writing this i needed to hear that is was OK! i have been battling supply issues recently after having an over supply and donating over 200oz i am about to go back to work this week and cannot keep pumping like i need to, so i will nurse my sweet son at his midnight feeding and his first one of the day and the rest will be formula, with his reflux and all i think this is what is best!
I wish someone would have told me that I WAS NOT A FAILURE when I was unsuccessful in breastfeeding my son 11 yrs ago. There were nights when I would spend hours trying to pump only to end up with a measley 2 oz. But luckily for me, my brain kicked in after realizing that my son NEEDED to eat whether it be breastmilk or formula. Thank you for assuring new and expecting mothers that the formula is not evil and they are not a bad mothers for not breastfeeding.
I hears ya.
My son was premature by 10 weeks and was tongue tied. So I had to use the nipple shield too. What a frickin' ordeal. Good thing was, I had no frame of reference so I stuck with it no matter how torturous and yes indeedy, it got easier. Now we're dealing with the next fantastic phase of nursing: distraction! whoopeeeee!
Also, I used to feel a little put off by all the breast feeding propaganda at the hospitals I spent time in with my son was he was incubating. Must be terribly difficult for the moms who are unable to breast feed to take in. They should really tone that down a bit. Just a couple of notches. We get it, hospital gods, breast feeding is good, now bugger off!
Thanks for the post.
being just out of my first trimester I'm getting a lot of "will you" questions. Also being bi-polar, I already know that there is very little chance I will even have the choice to breast feed knowing I'll have to resume my meds right afte giving birth. It's very difficult when people ask me to "try" to go without meds for a while. If possible I will try and mix formula with whatever I can freeze but I wish there were more moms out there who would understand and support those who need extra help rather than making them feel like they are weak and risk mental and physical health in the long run.
Thank you for your kind words and perspective. I tried nursing with my first baby, and it didn't work, for a number of reasons. Bottle feeding ended up being a better solution for all of us. Now with my second, I saved myself the trouble and went right with the bottle. I know it's the right choice FOR US...and I would never tell any other woman how to mother her kids. However, I do get the stares, the judgemental smirks and the comments and it makes me want to cry with frustration, and start screaming at people. Not judging is always the best path to follow. You never know what another person is going thru, or why they have made the decisions that they've made...but it's none of our business. Thanks again.
Ahhh, thank you. I wish I would have read something like this with my first, it was a breath of fresh air. Again, thank you!!!!!
so good :) the main point is: stop judging! I completely agree.
And that was my #1 lesson, post-baby. I shall never judge another momma for doing whatever she believes is best for HER and her baby. Whether it's breastfeeding (or not), co-sleeping (or not), whatever whatever. It is her choice and it's always the right one.
Thanks!