Okay, Father's Day is fast approaching and I completely missed the boat with a good gift guide, but, c'mon, it's me.
Still, that hasn't stopped me from tracking down some wicked items for the man in your life. After all, he deserves nothing but the best, he kills bugs and opens jars for us, dammit!
Some of the things I found you can't buy (like mace in Canada...and love) but that doesn't stop a girl from dreaming.
So giddy up and check it out:
Sasquatch Boots: A necessity for every man.
Vespa Rocking Horse: Great for holding the baby and watching the game I say. Lay-z-boys are so 2011.
Side note: you just know a baby finger would get rocked on if you had one of these in your house. Now that I'm a mother I can instantly see the dangers in every item – like the Matrix but with safety hazards.
Zombie Bowling Balls: It doesn't appear that you can buy these but I simply cannot grasp why not. If they made these available, I would bowl. By the hammer of Thor, I would bowl.
Clear Toaster: Once again this is only in concept stage, which is stupid. Why are we not all pooling our money together to make clear toaster and zombie balls happen?! I would prefer tax dollars be put towards this instead of the migration patterns of butterflies. Sorry butterflies, I want to see my bread toasted.
I'm Speeding Because I Have to Poop Keychain: They sell these and I'm buying a dozen and putting them in Christmas stockings this year. They also have "I am Fartacus" keychains.
DJ Cat Scratch: From what I can tell, the cat does not come with the DJ scratch pad, which is disappointing, but I suppose it's for the best. "Mittens is in the houze, Bitches!!"
Chest Jacket: This doesn't even exist but isn't it awesome? I wish they made a full body suit like this. And socks.
Beer Mitten: I'm sorry, I have nothing more to say than, "beer mitten". Imagine it said in a hushed tone like, "rosebud".
Bear Sleeping Bag: I think one of these would go really well with a beer mitten. If I was lying in one of these and anyone asked me if I was sleeping, I answer in Wookie.
Ice Cold Whisky Dispenser: We have made so much progress over the past decades – civil rights, medical breakthroughs, technology; but I am devastated that the Ice Cold Whisky Dispenser has faded into history. Such a tragedy. Such a loss.
Knight Armor Hoodie: I haven't *quite* decided if this is creepy-basement-dungeons-and-dragons-greet-you-as-m'lady kind of thing, or fucking awesome. I'm leaning toward the latter.
Sasquatch Flask: Not only can this hold 128oz of liquor, it can be engraved so you can get "Tuesday" or "Daddy drinks because you cry." put on it. I also love that the site points out that you should drink responsibly after the point about his flask holding 128oz of fluid.
Light Up Monowheel: You can buy these!! They're about two grand but this is the father of your kids we're talking about here – stop being selfish. Plus, he could pop out to grab you a latté on this so everyone wins. I think this would pay for itself in a matter of weeks.
R2D2 Garbage Pail: "What's that R2? There's no garbage in the Dagobah System? Well we live on earth so here's some dental floss and old Burger King receipts." Awesome.
Beardheads: I fail to see why you wouldn't wear these every single day. I dare you to try to get on a plane wearing one of these. Scratch that. I don't want you blaming me so I end up on a no-fly list and I never live my dream of shopping at Trader Joe's.
Another Universe Hole: Every house could use one of these. By the way, this site has some amazing wall decals both funny and beautiful.
Penis Sweater Boxers: If you want to have this ready for Father's Day, you'd better get knitting.
AK-47 Rifle with Chainsaw: Oh, you already have one? Pooh. I thought I was finding something really unique here.
Giant Inflatable Sausage: Okay, I can't find a reference for this, so if you know where I can buy one I need to know STAT. For some reason I am convinved this would be found in England. I don't know why but I tend to get stuck on something and then run with it. (2 minute pause) I just got back from googling "inflatable banger" because I remembered that they are sometimes called "bangers" in England. I really thought I had it there. No luck. Boo.
So there you have it, lots of ideas for dads everywhere! And if you're still looking for some fatherly reading, here as some of my previous dad posts including, New Dad Survival Guide and Being a Good Father.
Thank you, Dads, "You raise us up... To more than we can be". Have a very Happy Father's Day!