So when a gal named Brie wrote me to tell me about her illustration blog that's documenting her pregnancy, I was all, "Fah, that's how I wish I could draw." It's all smart, expressive and easy. I kinda hate her ; )

Here are just a few of the illustrations I love, but check out her site at 265days.posterous.com to see the rest.

265days.posterous.com

Everyone loves to tell you about horrible births, so I thought it would be nice to share a birth story that is beyond awesome and that I know for a fact is true. Sure, it won't happen this way for everyone, but you can always hope.

Enjoy.

I met my friend Megan when her son was around two-years old. 

She lived in the house across the street from the place I just rented and she was pregnant with her second child.

We'd hang out on her porch and she would tell me where all the good restaurants in the neighbourhood were and I would tell her about drunken evenings out with friends. I was impressed with her domestic prowess and she was impressed with my reckless, unscheduled life.

When she got to be around 37 weeks pregnant she asked me if I wouldn't mind being on call to run over to the house and watch her son before her mother could get there if she went into labour. I was honoured that she actually trusted me with her child and told her that it was doubtful that I would be needed in that much of a hurry. After all, women can be in labour for days.

"Uh, well not me" Megan said. So I asked how long it took for her son to get here. "44 minutes" she replied. "You mean 44 minutes after you started pushing?" I tried to correct her. "No, 44 minutes from the time I thought something may be happening until he was here."

She proceeded to tell me that she got up in the middle of the night thinking she had to go to the bathroom. She wiped and saw blood so she got worried and got dressed to go to the hospital. Then she had one pain and thought, "Oh man, this is it." Woke her husband up and got herself to the hospital. She had one more pain in the parking garage and felt like she needed to push but held off until she could get inside. The nurses heard her story and just rolled their eyes at the first-time-mother tale and admitted her. The moment she got in a bed she told the nurse she wanted to push so the nurse said, "go for it" and out came the baby. No pain. Just...here.

At this point I decided Megan must be an idiot. Surely you cannot be in labour for 44 minutes and just give birth like that. Surely she was one of those people that was just in denial about the pain or just too dense to notice. I mean, the girl is about 5'3" and 110 lbs soaking wet. It's not like she has giant hips and some cavernous vagina that can just unhinge and fire a kid out. She must be wrong.

Just to humour her I said I would be poised by my phone in case she needed to run across the street to watch the munchkin. She thanked me and warned me that she went into "labour" at 38 weeks last time so it could be anytime. I nodded and promptly forgot about it.

The next week rolls around and I'm coming home from a hangover breakfast and Megan's husband greets me on the street with a sunny, "Where the heck were you last night?".  I told him I was at a basketball game, "Why?". "Because we have another little boy!" he happily told me. "Megan had him in 22 minutes. We just made it to the hospital."

Holy shit. She's not crazy. She's a freak. A lucky, lucky freak.

This time, at 38 weeks, she thought she had to go to the bathroom. Wiped saw blood and knew to get the hell out of there. Called me to no avail so called the neighbour down the street who had to run in her pajamas to make it in time. Her husband floored it to the hospital, tossed her in a wheelchair and screamed, "My wife is giving birth. Now!"

Now, I'm sure L&D nurses hear this about 80 times a night so I can appreciate their failure to hustle. 

One of the senior nurses came over and asked how many minutes apart her contractions were. As Megan climbed up on the bed she told her she hadn't had any. Just as the nurse replied, "Then I doubt you're in labour, let's have a look.", out popped the baby. 

Out popped the fucking baby! 

These aren't peanut children either. Both boys weighed in between seven and eight pounds each.

Needless to say, the stunned hospital staff released Megan and her baby with a good story for the next shift.

Fast forward four years. Megan's pregnant for the third time.

Wisely her husband read up on "How to Deliver a Baby at Home." and didn't call me as a babysitter seeing as my batting average was pretty sad.

At 38 weeks, Megan gets up to go to the bathroom, feels a little "different". Screams to her husband, "It's time". He leaps out of bed, tosses Megan into the tub and 'whoosh' delivers his daughter into the world.

How. Fucked. Is. That?

Awesome, non?

Like I said, she'd not a large girl by any stretch of the imagination. Her mother had average deliveries with all three of her children – not too great, not too horrible. So what makes Megan different? Hell if I can figure out, and man, did I quiz her.

I suppose it's just a luck of the draw like being athletic or musical, being able to figure out the tip, or naturally skinny with big tits. You're just lucky.

So here's to all you first time moms that are scared of giving birth. You never know, you may have the golden ticket, so cross your fingers.

And clean your tub.

Needless to say, I would have loved one of these JP Lizzy bags from Anna Bean.

Along with being a good size, here are a few other deets that make this bag so faboo:

Wipeable Nylon exterior fabric

2 adjustable interior bottle pockets – one for a mommy Frodka sippy, no doubt

Nice, eh?

Well, here's you chance to win your very own. Simply check out which bag you would like to win, Midnight Orchid, Mocha Mint, Navy Mandarin, or Slate Citron, and let me know your choice in the comments below.

While you're there, check out the chandelier sale where you get an extra $10 off with the code annabean10 and the new $10 clothing department. 

Also, if you want to feel good, check out the baby tights. My day could be terrible but when I see fat, little, ham hock legs in tights, all is well, dammit. All is so well.

I'll pick a winner next Tuesday (Feb 7th). Good luck!

So after seeing a bunch of these for crafting and new moms online, I thought about some of the wonderful words many pregnant women might like to hear.

Here are a few I came up with, but feel free to let me know what else these fine (oh so fine) gentlemen could say to make you weak in the knees.

Thanks you, gentlemen. I couldn't have said it better myself.

When Micky Marie Morrison contacted me to do a giveaway for her book, Baby Weight, The Complete Guide to Prenatal & Postpartum Fitness, I was all over it.

Not just because her name is Micky Marie Morrison (how awesome), but because I'm always on the look out for practical, healthy approaches to fitness.

She sent me a copy of the book and I really like it. Not only does it have lots of cool exercises that you can do with the weight of your baby, but it also feature realistic images of women doing the workouts. None of these anorexic, well rested models holding babies trying to be passed off as new mothers. "Nice try, Twiggy. Go eat a cracker."

The book also has a nice tone without the condescending "tut tut" crap –just practical content delivered in a simple, clean, supportive format.

I actually tried some of the moves with my three-year old and he had a great time. I would have preferred to use a two-month old baby rather than a surly pre-schooler, but no matter. It worked very well and now my kid keeps asking to do "the boat".

This image cracks me up. I love that the baby is sound asleep just chillin'.

There is also a brilliant Sciatic Stretch, a whole chapter dedicated to moves you can do to alleviate common aches and pains like lower back pain, etc. There's even a section on what you can do if you're on bed rest.

There's little doubt that Micky knows her stuff and it comes across in this book – even if my ab pain is making it hard to type.

If you'd like to win a copy, just leave a comment below and I'll pull a winner next Monday. Good luck!

This is a digital depiction of my opening day at the Fit Tit Clinic.

P.S. How awesome is it that I used the term "nips" in this rant. I really shouldn't be allowed out of the house.

The Secrets of Breastfeeding was written by Kristine Bruce who just happens to be a postpartum and nursery nurse who has seen her fair share of questionable advice given to new moms. These “experts” would often recommend formula, pacifiers, or sugar water which would only add to the confusion in those first 48 hours of nursing.

She wanted new moms to feel confident in their ability to breastfeed in the hospital and at home so she compiled the seven secrets every mom should know about how to start breastfeeding. (I hope number one is eat some chips and don't get out of your pajamas because I had that perfected.)

Looking back, I wished I'd read more about breastfeeding before I did it.

My logic at the time was, "I can't learn to drive if I'm not sitting in a car" but I didn't factor in a crying baby, hormones and exhaustion into the equation, so I felt like I was running down the street on fire screaming, "Is it Stop, Drop and Roll or Run, Jump and Piss yourself?!". (Both may work for all I know.)

Not a time to learn new theory is all I'm saying.

Would you like this book? Sure you would!

Simply leave a comment below and I'll pick a winner next Tuesday (Jan 10) because I forgot today wasn't Monday and I suck. Breastfeeding! Suck! Segue!

Anyhow, feel free to check out her site at startbreastfeeding.com or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

Happy New Year, Peeps and good luck!

Enjoy.

"Why is Santa burnt like that? I don't wanna to burst into flames! Get me off this crispy lap!"

I will keep these children until I get my boiled beef and mead!

I have no words for how much I love this Santa. It's like he said, "Let's embrace the elephant in the room, shall we? Hand me my shades and let's do this."

"Shut up, Mittens! I told you *I* was going to ask for tuna and the red dot on the wall"

Little Mikayla was quite content to sit on her green chair until Santa came up behind her and screamed, "There be gold in those hills! Arrrrhhhh."

What in the Rasputin hell is going on here? Is 4270 the number of children that have needed therapy after their Christmas picture?

Even Santa himself was startled by the gas revenge his food court burrito was taking.

This kid was so way ahead of his time. And Glee.

I have no doubt that this little girl is chewing on a Xanax after her Percocet smoothie to get her up on this lap.

Why do I suspect that there is also a puddle of urine under this Santa's chair?

"One time. Just one fucking time I'd like a holiday where the shit wasn't scared out of me!"

Hey, at least he still has his hat. We've all been there, man. We've all been there.

"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way!!!" Everybody!

Yep, this is showing up in a wedding slideshow.

May God bless you and your giant penis, Sir.

Merry Christmas, Peeps!

I went through Plan Canada because they are a great operation, plus, they don't send me horror stories and I don't care for that shit one bit – I'm looking at you WSPA.

At first I was going to buy a bunch of mango trees and goats and stuff but then I noticed the sponsorship and thought, "Yeah, that's nice. I can keep that going as long as the site is going."

So, thanks to you guys, we are the proud sponsor of a little 6-year old boy, Madete-Misangi in Tanzania.

Isn't he awesome?!

None of this tear-streaked kid clutching a puppy crap, he's a typical 6-year old kid that's pissed he has to get his picture taken and that's what makes him magic.

He makes me want to get on a plane and fly to Tanzania and give him pizza, crayons and hugs even though he wouldn't know who the hell I was and I don't know how to get to Tanzania.

"Irregardless!!!"

Clearly he's an awesome little boy and I hope we make a difference in his life. 

Thanks for making this possible because I've always wanted to sponsor a child but never got the kick in the ass to do it. Your ongoing support and enthusiasm has made me sit up and say, "Bitch, get on it" and I totally appreciate it, so "Merry Christmas everyone!!"

Cue drunken crying, a Kiefer Sutherland tree jump and Madete-Misangi shaking his head slowly saying, "Jesus, get it together, lady." 

In Swahili of course.

Have a wonderful holiday season and all the best to each and everyone of you.

A few people told me to watch the first movie a while ago and I have to admit I dragged my feet a bit. I'm not a big fan of documentaries because you can't unwatch horrible shit and I didn't want to see bad things happen to babies. Plus, I considered the medical system my only birthing option when I was pregnant and I didn't want that ruined. If truth be told, I'm a little bit of an ostrich that way.

Thankfully, I did suck it up and watch it and it was amazing. It's not graphic or creepy but merely points out how we give birth in North America came to be and how that may not be the only, or even best way. I came away feeling enlightened and much more "fuck yeah" about the way a woman's body is made to give birth whether you are at home or within arms reach of the machine that goes 'ping'.

So when I got an email asking me if I'd like to watch More Business of Being Born (or Being Born with a Vengeance! if it was in the Die Hard series), I jumped at the chance.

The series is broken down into 4 DVDs. Each dealing with a different aspect of birth.

The first DVD is Down on the Farm: Conversations with Legendary Midwife Ina May Gaskin. Now as far as I'm concerned, Ina May Gaskin in the Obi Wan Kenobi of midwifery and she is the kind of person that anyone would want around while giving birth. She's kind, brilliant, articulate and knows everything about birthin' babies and is one of the main reasons that people are starting to realize what a valuable resource midwives are.

The DVD features The Farm Community in Tennessee and introduces us to a number of wonderful women that are skilled in the art of helping women bring babies into the world. They talk about some of their techniques, the history behind what they do, and give us just a glimmer of their unbelievable wisdom.

I loved everything about this DVD except for two things: One, there was some talk about ultrasounds, pitocin, epidurals and the combination of them playing a part in the cause of autism. As you know this is very close to home for me, and while I think it was a VERY valid observation made by the midwife, I don't think that kind of speculation should be put in the film. Not. Fucking. Cool.

Secondly, at the end of the DVD they featured the Safe Motherhood Quilt which featured the names of women that died due to complications from hospital births. Again, I think this is a very lovely idea and noble endeavour but for any woman watching that has to have a hospital birth because of a high risk pregnancy, this might be really scary and I don't think that's helpful. Considering the audience that this movie will probably attract, I thought both were irresponsible editing decisions.

Still, the brilliance of the Lady Garden Goddess, Ina May Gaskin, far outweighed those two glitches and I think it gives wonderful insight into the world of midwives.

The second DVD is Special Deliveries: Celebrity Mothers Talk Straight on Birth. All I could think of before watching this one is, "Great. I get to hear all about Gisele Bundchen's birth and how she's better than me on another 18 levels."

I mean, why would I care how celebrities gave birth? You know why, because it gave me context. Sure, I don't *know* these women but I do know *of* them so it made it that much more applicable to me. By the end I was thinking, "If Sabrina the Teenage Witch can give birth naturally, I bet I could too." and that is saying something. All the women had great, honest stories that were the real deal. None of this "there was no pain and it was only magical" horseshit.

I really loved Alanis Morissette's birth story (even though there was an entire sentence she said that I had to Google) because it was humble and honest and awesome and that surprised me. I also realized that Gisele Bundchen isn't 18 levels better than me, she's about 82 levels better than me because she's pure and calm and that kind of South American wise that makes me feel like a greasy Oompa Loompa. I'd like to curl up at her feet and stare at her adoringly (then secretly fois gois butter down her throat while she slept to pack on some pounds – that kind of thin, beautiful and nice just can't happen. I'm sorry.)

This DVD was awesome and even if you don't plan on having a natural home birth, I think it gives you a great feeling of "Yeah, but I could if I wanted to" and that's the kind of perspective we could all use.

[Side note: almost everyone in the second DVD seemed to be wearing the same awesome gold hoop earrings. Now I need a pair.]

The third DVD is Explore Your Options: Doulas, Birth Centers & C-Sections. This DVD is chalked full of incredible information and I totally could have used this back when I thought the difference between a midwife and a doula was someone who yelled "push" and someone in birkenstocks who didn't wear deodorant (I won't tell you which I thought was which).

I did feel they got a little heavy in the c-section portion at times, but maybe you do have to spark a little fire to get the pendulum to swing back to center. Some of the statistics in this are unbelievable and I found it to be a real eye opener. Even if you have a scheduled c-section booked, I think it's a great insight to what's up with them.

The fourth DVD is The VBAC Dilemma: What Your Options Really Are. Seeing as I was talked into a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) by my doctor, it just blows my mind that there are places that won't actually let you try a VBAC. So this DVD really helps wade through the myths and the facts about VBACs. Handy tips like, will your uterus actually blow apart like a Go Diego Go piñata as many of the medical professionals imply. The madness in this video makes want to kick down a door and piss in an office plant like an angry feral cat. It really never does cease to amaze me how people can dictate the way you get a person out of you.

All in all, I really can't express how comprehensive and valuable these DVDs are. Save your Thursday nights and just watch these instead of going to pre-natal class (if you're like me, you're just sizing up who had gained more weight than you instead of watching the acid-wash birth movie from 1982 anyway). 

Even if you know exactly how you want to give birth, it's such a great way to really get a holistic picture of what's out there. There was just so much that I had never given much thought to when I was pregnant as I kind of clicked into auto-pilot because I was treading in an area where I didn't have much experience. I didn't feel like it was the time to venture out and wanted "the most common way" women gave birth because I thought that translated into the safest way for me and my baby which isn't always the case. In fact, I now know that the only knowledge I really had at the time were the horror stories people had told me and movie birth – you know, when she's screaming in a hospital then grabs someone by the shirt and yells, "Get this baby out of me!". Hugh Grant is often involved.

Anyway, I have no rating system so I give it 10 hell yeahs and fuckin' eh! Which is pretty damn good.

Best part is if you leave a comment below, you will be entered to win a digital download for each of the DVDs. I'll draw a winner next Tuesday (December 20th) because I was late posting today. 

Good luck and please let me know what you think of the movie when you watch it. Here's the link again, www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com, cuz I'm pushy like that.