Best Baby Shower Crasher: Hint: It's the Baby.

November 25, 2012/ Amy Morrison

A woman name, Danijela had this amazing birth story and I just had to share it with you guys because I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

Enjoy.

My mom was throwing a baby shower brunch on Sunday September 16, 2007, three weeks before my due date. Her house was packed with people, because she does not know the meaning of a "small" gathering.

But at my house, I had my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and best friend staying with us. What a blast that was!

But I'll back track a little, in order to be able to tell the whole story: At about 28 weeks, I swtiched caregivers from my OB/GYN to my midwife. After doing the hospital tour, my husband and I both realized we would prefer a more intimate and personal setting for the birth of our first child. We met with the midwife and felt at complete ease with her. We went to our regular visits with Mary Henderson (our midiwfe) and everything looked great; no complications and nothing to worry about. On Thursday, September 13 I went in for my now weekly check up (36 weeks) and as I was getting ready to leave, Mary said "Lay down. I want to do an exam". Ok, I did. She told me that I was about 10% effaced (don't remember exactly) and that the baby could come at any time. Didn't think anything of it, other than, of course the baby can come at anytime!

Friday at work, I'm feeling a little different. My stomach is feeling strange and doing funny things. Realized it was braxton hicks contractions. my body was preparing. On Satruday, with company in the house, preparing food for the shower and enjoying the swelling in my legs, I was too distracted to notice anything. Until I took a shower! I called my husband into the bathroom to please tell me what this was. He didn't know. Well, just lost my mucus plug. Ok, on we go with our day. Ran some errands with my sister in law and asked my husband to come with, I just didn't feel comfortable going any where by myself.

That evening we were sitting around laughing at the music I was adding to my babyshower playlist: "I'm Coming Out", "My Sweet Baby", "Dirty Dancing", etc. We all said good night and went to bed...See you in the morning!

At 11:15 I awoke having to go to the bathroom. Realized my bed was wet! Oh my, did I already go? Woke up my husband, told him I think my water broke and he asked how did I know. I didn't know! Made to the bathroom and then there was a gush of water - yes, I was sure, my water had broken and my contractions started. He called Mary and she said that I should rest between contractions. SInce it's my first pregnancy, it will probably we a while. Contractions were 5 minutes apart and very intense and getting closer and closer and more intense. I was in the shower, in our bath tub and trying to get through the contractions that were not letting up. My midwife was trying to sleep on the couch (because all the rooms were taken by our guests). My husband went to her and said that the contractions were less than 1 minute apart. Sure enough, she checked and I was dialated 10cm and it was time to push. During this time, my mother in law did wake up. She woke up my sister-in-law, but my best friend was able to sleep through everything.

So at 3:16am, I delivered my beautiful healthy baby girl 6lbs 12oz and 21". She came into the world screaming, but once she was placed on my stomach any discomfort that I had expereinced was gone! I looked at my husband and said, "I can do this again!". It was simply amazing. We all woke up, had coffee and could not believe that we went to bed and woke up with a baby.

But our day had just begun. My best friend stayed with me, while everyone else went to my mom's to help her with setting up. No one mentioned that I had the baby. So when I walked in, holding a baby, they all thought it was a doll - not a real live baby that was only 8 hours old. The first of the series of questions was: When did you have the baby? Followed by, how did they let you out of the hospital? Finally, what do you mean you had her at home?!?! Priceless!!!

I loved my experience and I did do it again in November of 2010: Water broke and 4 hours later, our second daughter was born at home.

I love my husband and I love my midwife. WIthout them, I would not have been able to do it.

I guess the baby heard there'd be pie and she just didn't want to miss out.

Awesome story, eh?

Exit Care

March 03, 2012/ Amy Morrison

A few of you have asked me to put a list together of tips on how to care for the good china after giving birth.

So thanks to your suggestions, and what I found online, here's the glorious list on how to get your tender bits back in order.

Here they are:

• ice wrapped in a washcloth

• use a squirt bottle filled with water to rinse while you pee

• hold a clean pad firmly against the wound and press upward while you poo to help relieve any pressure

• wear boy shorts to hold a cold pad close

• take both ibuprofen and acetaminophen to address any inflamation and pain

• hair dryer set on cool to dry off any areas where you don't want to shake a towel over – this applies to c-sections as well

• condoms filled with water and frozen to a slushy consistency held against the scary sections (it's not like you'll be using them for anything else so it's worth a shot)

• mix calendula oil with the water in your peri bottle to help speed healing

• calendula oil and/or arnica in water, soak a maxi pad in it, then freeze it for a glorious padsicles

• use the Boppy you bought for your baby or nursing, to sit on for the first few days

• Dermoplast spray – sprayed directly on all that ails you, or on a pad then applied

• open one end of a diaper, put ice in it, then put it in the mesh underwear - when the ice melts the diaper absorbs the water so you are not all soggy

• placing Tucks pads or pads soaked in witch hazel (you can place two overlapping for more coverage) on a maxi pad to help soothe the area.

• depends underwear if you don't like the netted underwear and pads the hospital gives you

• frozen maxi pads that were soaked in Witch Hazel then put in a cooler to take to the hospital

• stool softeners and/or prune juice for both c-sections and vaginal births to keep the pushing to a minimum

• vitamin E oil and/ or neosporin on c-section incisions

• wearing a maternity/belly band to give a little support after a c-section

• Always Infinity pads - much thinner than the giant pads they give you in the hospital so they feel less "diapery"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Do you know of any others or are you just backing away from the computer saying, "what the hell have I gotten myself into?!"?

Hey, you may get lucky and not have any use for any of this stuff like my asshole friend, Megan.

Personally, I think it's the anticipation of pain that's the worse part – when else do we have up to 35 weeks to think about how much something may hurt? Seriously, if it was that horrible no one would have more than one child. Even if you do need some of this stuff, it's pretty short lived and you have a new baby to keep your mind off the mess, so don't worry about it too much.

There, there, you'll be shiny and new again before you know it. (hair stroke and shushing) Just like this:

Easiest Births Ever

February 06, 2012/ Amy Morrison

Some of you may be a little scared, okay terrified of giving birth.

Everyone loves to tell you about horrible births, so I thought it would be nice to share a birth story that is beyond awesome and that I know for a fact is true. Sure, it won't happen this way for everyone, but you can always hope.

Enjoy.

I met my friend Megan when her son was around two-years old.

She lived in the house across the street from the place I just rented and she was pregnant with her second child.

We'd hang out on her porch and she would tell me where all the good restaurants in the neighbourhood were and I would tell her about drunken evenings out with friends. I was impressed with her domestic prowess and she was impressed with my reckless, unscheduled life.

When she got to be around 37 weeks pregnant she asked me if I wouldn't mind being on call to run over to the house and watch her son before her mother could get there if she went into labour. I was honoured that she actually trusted me with her child and told her that it was doubtful that I would be needed in that much of a hurry. After all, women can be in labour for days.

"Uh, well not me" Megan said. So I asked how long it took for her son to get here. "44 minutes" she replied. "You mean 44 minutes after you started pushing?" I tried to correct her. "No, 44 minutes from the time I thought something may be happening until he was here."

She proceeded to tell me that she got up in the middle of the night thinking she had to go to the bathroom. She wiped and saw blood so she got worried and got dressed to go to the hospital. Then she had one pain and thought, "Oh man, this is it." Woke her husband up and got herself to the hospital. She had one more pain in the parking garage and felt like she needed to push but held off until she could get inside. The nurses heard her story and just rolled their eyes at the first-time-mother tale and admitted her. The moment she got in a bed she told the nurse she wanted to push so the nurse said, "go for it" and out came the baby. No pain. Just...here.

At this point I decided Megan must be an idiot. Surely you cannot be in labour for 44 minutes and just give birth like that. Surely she was one of those people that was just in denial about the pain or just too dense to notice. I mean, the girl is about 5'3" and 110 lbs soaking wet. It's not like she has giant hips and some cavernous vagina that can just unhinge and fire a kid out. She must be wrong.

Just to humour her I said I would be poised by my phone in case she needed to run across the street to watch the munchkin. She thanked me and warned me that she went into "labour" at 38 weeks last time so it could be anytime. I nodded and promptly forgot about it.

The next week rolls around and I'm coming home from a hangover breakfast and Megan's husband greets me on the street with a sunny, "Where the heck were you last night?". I told him I was at a basketball game, "Why?". "Because we have another little boy!" he happily told me. "Megan had him in 22 minutes. We just made it to the hospital."

Holy shit. She's not crazy. She's a freak. A lucky, lucky freak.

This time, at 38 weeks, she thought she had to go to the bathroom. Wiped saw blood and knew to get the hell out of there. Called me to no avail so called the neighbour down the street who had to run in her pajamas to make it in time. Her husband floored it to the hospital, tossed her in a wheelchair and screamed, "My wife is giving birth. Now!"

Now, I'm sure L&D nurses hear this about 80 times a night so I can appreciate their failure to hustle.

One of the senior nurses came over and asked how many minutes apart her contractions were. As Megan climbed up on the bed she told her she hadn't had any. Just as the nurse replied, "Then I doubt you're in labour, let's have a look.", out popped the baby.

Out popped the fucking baby!

These aren't peanut children either. Both boys weighed in between seven and eight pounds each.

Needless to say, the stunned hospital staff released Megan and her baby with a good story for the next shift.

Fast forward four years. Megan's pregnant for the third time.

Wisely her husband read up on "How to Deliver a Baby at Home." and didn't call me as a babysitter seeing as my batting average was pretty sad.

At 38 weeks, Megan gets up to go to the bathroom, feels a little "different". Screams to her husband, "It's time". He leaps out of bed, tosses Megan into the tub and 'whoosh' delivers his daughter into the world.

How. Fucked. Is. That?

Awesome, non?

Like I said, she'd not a large girl by any stretch of the imagination. Her mother had average deliveries with all three of her children – not too great, not too horrible. So what makes Megan different? Hell if I can figure out, and man, did I quiz her.

I suppose it's just a luck of the draw like being athletic or musical, being able to figure out the tip, or naturally skinny with big tits. You're just lucky.

So here's to all you first time moms that are scared of giving birth. You never know, you may have the golden ticket, so cross your fingers.

And clean your tub.

Pumpkin Birth

October 29, 2011/ Amy Morrison

I had no idea this was a thing. Well, it is.

So here are the many pumpkins that people have sent to me that are giving birth.

All I can think of when I look at them is, "Yep, that's about right."

Flickr

I'm impressed that this pumpkin had the foresight to prepared for her home birth with the plastic tarp. She must have a good midwife (probably an acorn squash).

I can't tell if she's screaming from labour or lack of leg

I love the booties.

This pumpkin is clearly drunk and didn't even know that she was pregnant. pfft.

How can something so simple weird me out so much?

I'm a little concerned with the level of detail here.

You yell as much as you want, Honey. Those angry sparkler babies are damn painful.

I love the horrified pumpkin in the background. That's right, Buddy, birth isn't always pretty so smarten up before she kicks your ass with her butternut squash legs.