Happily After Giving Birth – 10 Things They Don't Tell You
You know in the movies when the woman gives birth and they hand her a perfect, clean 3-month old movie baby? The husband puts his arm around her and they gaze lovingly into each others eyes? Ahhhh, the end. Well, here are just a few of things that can happen after the credits roll. Most of them aren't movie friendly so sadly, the don't get discussed unless you have really good friends that let you in on these little secrets. Not all of them happen to everybody but, chances are, one or more will be added to your new role as motherhood so don't be alarmed.
1. You will have a really heavy period. No matter how you give birth (c-section or va-j-j) you will have postpartum bleeding. This delightful discharge is called lochia and it sounds about as appealing as it is. It lasts as little as two to three weeks or as long as six weeks after birth. The best part is you're given giant, thunderpads in the hospital because you can't use tampons during this time (it can introduce bacteria into your healing uterus) so you have the added pleasure of feeling like a 15-year old girl from 1974.
2. Your crotch might be a mess. You may be dealing with a swollen, stitched up mighty mess that even Stephen King couldn't dream up. There are a variety of elixirs and contraptions to help ease the horror including sits baths, frozen bags of peas and a little water bottle that you squirt on yourself while you pee. In my experience I've found that it's best not to look – it was actually worse than I thought it would be. Dear God so bad.
3. You're still fat. You will need clothes after you've had this kid because you'll be sort of second trimester doughy for a while. This is yet another reason I hate those damn model asshats that are wafer thin 10 minutes after they've given birth because it isn't realistic. Everything is very different when you've had your tummy tuck during your elective c-section and you can hand your baby off to a nanny and have a personal trainer up in your face everyday. Pilates and brown rice my ass. Stupid starlets. Except Heidi Klum. I love Heidi Klum and that bitch earned her wings.
4. You might cry. A. LOT. Some women get off really easy with this one and don't ride the hormonal roller coaster after they've had a baby and to them I say "lucky, lucky whore". It doesn't help that it can run the gamut from absolutely nothing to full blown post partum depression so not everyone is sympathetic if you have the Niagara Falls boo hoos if they didn't. The other tricky thing is that you might not recognize how bad it was until you're out of it. It's best to have people that actually know you keep an eye on this one. If they tell you that you're losing it, you probably are so listen to them and go see your doctor. Nobody wins if you're miserable.
5. Your hair might fall out. I know. Don't you feel pretty now? So here you are all post partum and doughy and to add insult to injury you might start losing some of your hair. Here you were all excited about your luscious locks while you were pregnant, well, sorry Cinderella but the party is over and the hair fairy wants her glass slippers back. This is one of those wonderful hormone side effects that can come with giving birth. At least there will be less to worry about when pulling your hair up into your new-mom crack-ponytail.
6. Breastfeeding might be difficult. If you choose to breastfeed your baby, be prepared for a little bit of work. Not everybody has a smooth ride (me included) and it can be anything the soft, bonding vignettes they plaster all over "Breast is Best" pamphlets. The good news is once you're over the hump it's pretty maintenance free and you can never forget your baby's lunch on the counter. If you have an easy time of it, awesome! Don't brag though, you're liable to be beaten to death with Bugaboo strollers by hormonal mothers in the park. 
7. You might hate your husband. I have two theories of nature. One, babies look like their fathers when they are born so the father is reassured that the baby is his and won't take off. Two, nature takes care of you not conceiving right after giving birth by making you want to punch in his face every time you see him. Again, it's probably hormone related. Again, this isn't always the case but I'm just warning you that you might stare at his peaceful sleeping face at 2am and wonder what the hell the point of him is and how can that son of a bitch just lie there sleeping like while you try to get your baby to sleep for the umpteenth time. You're not alone and a jury full of mothers with newborns wouldn't convict you if you bludgeoned him to death with a breast pump. That said, he may be worth keeping around so take a deep breath and ignore the urge......for now.
8. You might be hot. No, not good hot. Gross, sweaty, fat man hot. Thank your hormones. Once again they may be to blame for giving you hot flashes and making feel like a high-noon whore. Nothing says sexy like a woman with 20lbs of extra baby weight, who's losing her hair and walking around like she just ran for a bus. I'm adding that to my theory of nature's birth control along with number 7.
9. Hard boobs. You know those crazy porn boobs you see on some women that are just gigantic and don't move? No? Well, try skipping a feeding while you're nursing and you'll have a pretty good idea what that's like. It sounds cool but it isn't so don't add stripper heels to your registry....well, not for this reason anyway.
10. Pooing is scary. I saved the best for last, non? No matter what exit your baby used, your BM equipment is close by and you'll have to use it eventually. I think the phrase "tentative terror" best sums up this act and may I suggest picking out extra names because you're going to want to name your first poop after you take such tender care bringing into the world. Gross? Sorry. Fact? Yep.
Haven't I painted a pretty picture here? Aren't you looking forward to all the treats that come with motherhood? Well, thankfully, not all of them happen to everybody and you (and everyone around you) will be so focused on the new little person that you'll have little time or energy to worry about much else. And hey, who cares, you made a person. A whole person. It doesn't matter if you're a surly, bald, sweaty garden slug for a while, you just performed a miracle so unless you're booked to walk the runway in your underpants in two weeks, don't worry about it and tell anybody who says otherwise to eat shit. Hey, you can always blame it on your hormones.
Did I miss any? Do you have any good tips to help a sista out in those first few months? Crotch care? Boo hoo remedies? Please share!
197 Comments
Reader Comments (197)
Oh my MAUDE. This is the funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life.
Somewhere out on the intertubes, I had read about lemon or coke can sized clots of lochia and how the non-guest-ready bathroom was going to look like a scene from Dexter.
Awesome.
See, it's good to know that AFTER you're already knocked-up because there may be reconsideration.
And props to you for mentioning the PPD...
Lots and lots of fiber and colace. Aside from my horrific infections, additional hospital stays and insicion splitting open the next worse was trying to go!
Awesome. You. Are. Awesome. Having had both c-sec and vag deliveries, I can say that the lochia mess is not as bad with the c-sec. They vacuum you out with some sort of medical shop vac before they sew you up again. I mean it's there, but it's not quite as horror-flick.
Pajamas, ladies, my tip of the postpartum day is pajamas. No not the Frederick's of Hollywood kind, the "I went to collage and never got dressed to go to class" kind. You know, the ones you can answer the door in, run to the store in and just happen to sleep comfortably in? See this way you aren't actually required to drag your tired, flabby, sweaty, emotionally overwrought self into your dresser(and God forbid in front of a mirror) to try and find something, anything, the ONE thing that fits. And pajamas are so much more emotionally satisfying than wearing maternity clothes after the baby is born and you are not longer in a "maternity" way.
That and chocolate. Good chocolate. Lots of good chocolate. And Merlot.
LOVE THIS!! All this is with a "normal everything-is-ok" pregnancy & birthing.
With breastfeeding, you are SO right - it's rough, really rough at first, but then it DOES get better, LOTS better once you & baby get the hang of it.
My 1st had problems latching on, then got thrush. ouch. Unbelievable pain in your boobs. And, thrush is near impossible to get rid of. Forget the prescription antifungals they want you to try - worthless. (look into grapefruit seed extract).
This, combined with my refusing-to-heal c-sect incision (along with all the above) meant I was a M. E. S. S. for the first 3-4+ months postpartum.
After the thrush was gone, things got a lot better.
Seriously the thrush made starting to breastfeed a pill! I had no idea about it, and both my Mom and my MIL kept telling me that "sure breastfeeding hurts at first, but you will get used to it and it won't hurt". It took six weeks before I went to a lactation consultant to figure out what was wrong, it was horrible! But we made it and I nursed my son for 16 months, it is really great once you know that it shouldn't hurt when your milk comes in!!
My wife (21 weeks pregnant) just sent me this article. Holy smokes. I think I've got it though. I need to get her merlot, chocolate, and pajamas. And I need a jock strap for myself so I can use my hands to cover my face for defense w/o leaving myself open for a sucker punch.
Don't forget the hemorrhoids. If you had a vaginal delivery, you may have not only delivered a beautiful bouncing baby, but you may have also delivered yourself a nice bouquet of hemorrhoids. Which you then get to squirt a pile of Preparation H onto a Tucks pad and tuck the slimy mess where the sun don't shine, every time you go to the restroom. Oh yeah, totally glamorous!
This is so true. Hilarious to read only because I'm not going through it right now.
One thing I may add to the list is Gall Stones that lead to a Pancreatic attack. This is SO common after pregnancy, that it warrants mentioning. If you have recently given birth, you are at risk (more so if your were at all overweight pre-pregnancy). If you feel chest pain that gradually worsens until it all of the sudden dies down, there is a good chance that your body is trying to pass gall stones. Go to the ER if you can. Switch to a low-fat diet until you see your doctor, and you will likely need an easy laparoscopic surgery. Ahhh, the joys of motherhood. Good thing the rewards are greater than the woes!
oh the boobs. they looked great under clothes, (a little out of proportion, whatever, they were huge!) but when I missed a pumping at work, they were like rocks, jagged sharp rocks! and the lochia, and the hormones, and the hair...yeah, just about everything.
Hilarious and so true! I especially enjoyed #7 (about the sleeping husband). I very clearly remember looking at my peacefully sleeping husband as I dealt with a colicky baby in the middle of the night and feeling SO angry. I was literally throwing things at him... when he finally woke up, he looked around at the random items on the bed (shoes, books, etc.) and was very confused!
I hope this hasn't been mentioned, but my favorite post-partum tip is to take a NB diaper and make a slit in the back. Fill with ice cubes and apply as desired to your lady bits. As the ice melts, the gel in the diaper soaks up the water, so no mess and you can wear it to bed! Viola!
For your va-j-j...if you have a vag birth...freeze your pads. I believe you put aloevera on them and then freeze them and its SUPER refreshing.
I had no idea how much it would hurt when my milk came in, and I was pumping every two hours on top of trying to nurse because they'd scared me at the hospital that my baby was going to starve. So I had enough for triplets when it came in, at three in the morning, and I hadn't any idea it would happen!
What did I do? We had no frozen peas, no ice packs, no ice at all (we are not generally ice people, though we've gottten ice cube trays since then); we did, however, have blocks of frozen spinach. I went back to bed with frozen spinach blocks pressed against my throbbing bowling-ball boobs.
I have not eaten frozen spinach since.
Loved this post-- wish I had read it long ago!
I'm suprised no one has mentioned those ubersucky intense labor pain slash cramps you get when your uterus shrinks back down to size small. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs & doubling over in pain convinced my appendix had burst...anyone?
Cara, you've actually hit upon the one gem I didn't experience after having either of my children. I have heard of it though because my friend had wicked contractions AFTER she had her baby. Although, she also had a 4 minute labour (I'm not kidding) so I was all "yeah, yeah, whatever." when she told me about it. Poor girl.
Did you mention the leaky breasts when you hear a baby cry? Not just your baby, any baby, any time, any where. You have to be hyper-vigilant or a quick trip to Target for diapers can turn into a mad dash back to the maternity section to buy another tee shirt.
Cabbage leaves soaked in Ice Water! Cut the veins and tuck it in your bra. Makes engorgement recede without affecting your supply too much. And it feels sooooo good.
And when they offer you tea tree oil or witch hazel to ease the pain in your girly bits, take it! I remember thinking...I'm fine, I don't hurt too much. The next day I was crawling on the ceiling!
This brought me to tears (good tears) as I sat here reading with my one month old strapped to my chest! Somehow I lucked into having all 10 symptoms!
My girlfriend like to refer to #2 as "Purple Twinkie Syndrom". No shit sista...no shit. I should have left that one to the imagination.
My first was born 5 weeks early, so it took an extra day for my milk to come in. I literally went to bed a C cup and woke up a DD....I hurt sooooo bad! And I got the after birth cramps bad, with both my kids. So bad that I needed actual pain pills. With my daughter, my first, if I walked more than 10 minutes without stopping, I'd be doubled over with pain trying to steal someone's morphine IV it was that bad. My son I could walk, slowly, and it wouldn't make it worse, but oh dear Maude it hurt soooo bad. The worst with my son was he was a vacuum. I'm not kidding (how I wish I was) when I say I would only get 20 minutes of rest between feedings. That kids eats like a horse. I was so sleep deprived by the time he was 6 months old, it wasn't even funny.
This was hilarious. I screamed every time I sneezed for about three weeks.
First - this ROCKED. Wish I had read it before baby #1. Thanks for the reminders for baby #2 due in May. Yeah, Thanks. LOL
How you really forget the 'roids. Between that and a very minor episiotomy, nothing was comfortable down south for 2-3 weeks. All I will say is thank you to the nice nurse who gave me the giganto size tub of generic Tucks and the numbing spray. I wanted to send her cookies at Christmas.
And the sleep deprivation haze (which links into #7 - gazing at sleeping hubby with a homicidal urge) ... I didnt know what time of the damn day it was, since I was so foggy. DS got up every 2hrs on the dot, fed for 30-45 mins, changed him and put him back down. Just in time to get approx 75mins of sleep before he was up again.
Peeing and Kegels. DO YOUR KEGELS!
I delivered an 11lb-er (stillborn) and I literally peed myself in the living room about a week postpartum. I sneezed, still couldn't feel my bladder, didn't kegel beforehand and yeah - stood there like a six year old in stunned dismay. I have a patient husband.
Kegels before and after delivery really help things go back to normal.