My Baby Won't Stop Crying
I got an email from a very kind woman asking me to write a post on Shaken Baby Syndrome and I thought it was a great idea.
Not that Shaken Baby Syndrome really needs awareness, I mean, we all know you shouldn't shake babies, but what I did want to raise awareness about is that you may want to shake your baby. Oh man, you may really want to shake your baby.
I remember before I had my first son, I would see some news headline about some woman that had shaken her newborn and think, "How can you do that? How can you shake that helpless little baby? What a monster". Then I had my son and then I was all, "Oh yeah, I totally see how this happens."
First you hear their little cry at around 4pm and the hairs on the back or your neck stand up and you think, "Shit. It begins." you go in and you pick them up. "There, there." You feed them. Change them. Burp them. Rock them. Drive them around the block. Sing lullabies at the top of your lungs. Plead. Cry. And nothing, NOTHING makes it stop. "Hush, hush little one" quickly turns into "What the hell do you need from me?!?!?!? For the love of Christ, STOP CRYING!!!!".
Well, it turns out that babies have a Period of Purple Crying (I guess Period of Incessant Fucking Crying was already taken). Have you heard of this? No, me neither and that's why I'm writing this because I think I would have had a better time of it had I known that this crying is a normal part of a baby's life and not something that needed fixing.
Turns out this period of sustained crying can happen when a baby is between 2 weeks to 3-4 months and is often mistaken as colic when, in fact, it's just a normal, yet brain numbing, part of a baby's development. Not surprisingly, it is also the most common time for a baby to be shaken and that shit isn't pretty and none of us wants to go there.
So, a Period of Purple Crying campaign has been launched to create awareness about this *trying* time.
They've created a website to fill you in on the details and have also started a Click for Babies knitting campaign to recruit knitters and crocheters across North America to make purple baby caps which will be distributed to parents, along with information on the Period of Purple Crying. (I suppose purple earplugs are a choking hazard.)
Now, you may be reading this in terror thinking, "Oh great, now I have this horror to look forward to", but this isn't meant to frighten you, like my breastfeeding or after birth post, I'm never a fan of hiding the ugly to shelter unsuspecting parents of what *could* happen because if it *does* happen, you don't feel prepared and you feel like you are the only one this is happening to. I have yet to meet a parent that didn't have a witching hour in their house so you are not alone.
Obviously, you want to rule out anything physically wrong with your baby in the 8 billion doctors appointments you have when they are a newborn. My friend's baby didn't stop crying for a 48 hour period until they figured out that one of her hairs had wrapped around the baby's toe and was cutting off circulation causing toe tourniquet syndrome. (Yep, someone named it so you can label your guilt). But once you know that you're dealing with a healthy kid, here are my handy tips for making it through this tricky time:
• Put the baby down in a safe place and go pee. Everything seems better when you're sitting on the toilet.
• Get an Mp3 player and listen to music. Even if you can still hear the baby it drowns out that upper octave that only a 2-month old and Mariah Carey can hit.
• Get earplugs. Again, just enough to take off the edge.
• Try to sing Led Zepplin's Immigrant Song so it sounds like your baby is taking the "AHhhaahhhhaaa" part.
• Bounce on an exercise ball and watch tv while your baby is strapped to your chest in a carrier. You may as well whittle your ass off while you lose your mind.
• Find one of those little old ladies that stop you in the mall and tell you that these are the best days of your life and give them the screaming baby. Fun fun, Motherfucker.
• Find a slightly deaf relative to just hold the baby while you sit outside and cry.
• Write a nasty email to your spouse (or Gwyneth Paltrow) telling them how much you hate them and how you want to smother them in their sleep. Then don't send it. No point in burning that bridge.
• Go for a walk with the baby strapped to you somewhere noisy. Babies love it when they are steeped in chaos and your exhaustion. An outdoor market, a busy street, or a college bar should do the trick – you get the gist.
• Do the "Aum" sound that Buddhist Monks do repeatedly while holding your baby on your chest. My Father-in-Law has perfected this sound and put every baby he held out like a light. He seriously should be rented out to new parents.
• Tell your baby your worst secrets ever. Who the hell are they going to tell?
• Draw a moustache with eyeliner on your baby's upper lip so they look like an angry dandy while they cry.
• Cry right along with them and see who can outlast the other like a Boo Hoo showdown.
• Vacuum. You may as well have a clean house to show for your insanity.
• Have a shower and blow dry your hair. Be fancy and oblivious to the screams like Celine Dion!
• Dress your baby up in a Halloween costume. I shit you not that I did this and it's pretty hard to get frustrated with a screaming skunk.
Hey, it's all worth a shot and the idea is to wait them out without drop kicking them off the front lawn.
I remember one dark night when I took my oldest son out for a walk during his witching hour.
It was the middle of February, it was wet and cold and I looked like someone that would have been cast as an old whore coming off a three-week drinking bender in a medieval period piece. My coat was open with him snuggly strapped to my chest and I was just shuffling down a busy street in the seedy neighbourhood we used to live in.
Two homeless guys were sitting in a doorway watching me walk by. They were already pretty drunk so I just kind of ignored them as I shuffled past. The one guy lit a half cigarette he had picked up off the ground and said, "Hey lady, how old is your baby?" I stopped and said, "5 weeks old." He just shook his head and said, "Man, that's rough". And as I stood there looking at this piss soaked drunk guy I said, "Yes! Thank you! It is rough." Then shuffled off a little happier as they went back to drinking some type of industrial solvent.
He totally got it. It's rough. Almost every parent goes through it so don't let it get you down. Drink, cry, scream, and tell telemarketers to go fuck themselves, but whatever you do, don't shake the damn baby.
Check out The Period of PURPLE Crying for more information about this time in a baby's life and Clicks for Babies if you, or someone you know, knits or crochets and wants to help spread the word.
27 Comments
Reader Comments (27)
This is hilarious. I'm going to keep it in my back pocket, because I know I'll need it during those times!
I have posted to all I know who are expecting. We went through this exact thing with my first, not as much with my second. But awesome tips and I totally wish I had known this with my first child.
Only you could make Baby Crying hilarious! Can't stop laughing.
This is awesome. Particularly the part about handing an old lady the screaming baby. I think I will apply that to Random Teething-Induced Screaming as well.
AMEN.
I walked/stumbled countless miles in the freezing cold through three kids worth of witching hours and I only wish I'd had this post back then. I'm thinking a crying infant may have been what set those two empathetic gentlemen you met that day on their path. What? I can totally see it happening.
Right this second, as I type, my sweet beloved daughter is cradled on my lap, screaming like I have a car battery clamped to her nipples (I don't, just for the record). She's not doing the Purple Crying, she just needs to poop (I'm sorry to tell you), but she can't. Or won't - I suspect an element of willfulness on her part. Just so you don't think I'm heartless, checking blogs while she attempts to alert the neighbors to her diaper dilemma, she does this at least once a day, sometimes for 30 minutes, and there's not much I can do about it. I felt positively awful for listening to my Mp3 player last week (and for being cheered up by dancing to the music while she bawled), until I read this - so thank you!!! "Shake your booty, not the baby" is my new motto!
Try finding a chiropractor that specializes in newborns. It has helped a lot of babies I know that cry for gas/poop related pain and car seat haters. The treatment doesn't hurt them in anyway, and is worth the cost for the resulting calm, quiet baby.
I will be utilizing the mustache tip. But I'll probably use eyeliner so I can wipe it off before anyone sees.
I wrote about this same thing recently - not the purple crying but the frustration and sense of helplessness that we new mothers feel. It's so difficult sometimes! Every wonderful, confident woman I know is completely devastated in the face of a crying infant.
Thanks for posting this! I'll pass it along as well to all the new mothers I know.
I'm crying laughing at your tips. Also, I think the eyeliner moustache would be great on cranky toddlers. Or cranky 10-year-olds. Or on my husband while he's sleeping.
This is simply brilliant. I wish I had thought of the drawing the mustache thing wtih my last baby. I hope a bazillion people read this.
Go to my own website & read what I think of this situation....Hope it helps a little & if anything, makes you giggle & know that you are NOT alone.... GOOD-LUCK!! ;/)
I wish I could have found information like this three years ago, when DHS investigated me because I told them "I had a bad night" with my month old son who had just come home from the hospital a week ago. (He had lung problems.) I wouldn't explain what "had a bad night" meant, because I didn't want to explain that he wouldn't stop crying and that I had an overwhelming urge to chunk him across the room like a quarterback going for a hail mary. Of course, I resisted, and we made it through the night just fine. However, DHS decided that I was at risk for hurting my son... I wish they and I had this information and then maybe my story would have ended differently. The thing I have said the most since then is that the reason mothers actually do hurt their children is because they get punished for talking about having the "thought" of it. Thank you for saying outloud what other women feel but are afraid to say.
I remember vividly these days with our now 17 yr old son. He would cry for 3 hours in the evening & nothing we tried could stop it. My husband, the wonderful man that he is, would take him from me & sing every children's or folk song he could think of at the top of his lungs (he's a music teacher). It lasted about 2 months. Most of the time, I would leave the house & go for a walk for part of that time. As soon as he was done with his crying jag, he'd be fine & I'd feed him & put him in his crib. Thank goodness my husband is a patient man!
I just read half this post out loud to my husband I loved it so much! Genius. And such a great cause, too. Awesome.
I used to tell my baby that I wanted to throw her in a well during the purple period. Don't worry, I don't live near any wells.
Love the mustache idea! I'm laughing just thinking about it.....
Thank God our 3 month old can't repeat the words he's heard during his period. Just as well that he won't remember. You didn't say it in your post, but you implied it... swearing helps, ALOT. Thanks for helping us realize our baby really is normal.
I am laughing so hard I'm crying...this is sooo true! I'm a childbirth educator and I like your funny spin on a difficult subject.
Thank you for this. My kid almost suffered from throw him across the room syndrome. I am good at hitting melting point, flipping on a hair dryer, then walking away usually. Though tonight he has cried 5 straight hours even with hair dryer on. I needed this.....I am buying the cute little shit a purple cap tomorrow in your honor. I also recorded the past 2 hours OF SCREAMING and ad-libbed some parts for fun to show him what he was like as a baby! Maybe then he'll change my diapers when I am 80.....uh oh round 6 of screaming.......wheres my iPod? Gotta go!
You. are. AWESOME.
Not enough people speak about the relentless crying...and how you feel like a failure parent somehow when you can't fix it.
Its comforting to know that many parents out there are suffering like I did...good news is they do stop. You would never know by looking at my bouncing, happy, easy-going 9 month old that he was the devil from birth to 4 months (to the day).
I just found this post after reading the 10 things new moms should know, which was the most accurate thing I have read. So good that I sent it on to my sister, due with number one in July.
Anyhow...I am so glad I found the purple hat project. I was lucky that my bambino was fairly low maintenance as a newborn. (Last night...another story. But he wasn't shaken...I was, when I fell out of the bed and face down on the wood floor in trying to keep the little purple faced 11 month old asleep)
I have been wondering how to do something good with my little business for a while and this is perfect! A purple hat will be made and sent to put MA on that map.
I am also going to post this on some boards to get some more crafters involved.
Thanks for great posts back in my preggo days to help me keep the humor.
i stumbled on your blog...my daughter is now 18months and we went through this phase too. your post made me cry knowing finally someone inderstands...the mustache!!! GENIOUS!
I wish I had actually watched the "Purple Cry" dvd I was given in the hospital.
I thought it was for shaken baby syndrome, which didn't apply to me.
Well goes to show ya, my sweet baby drove me to the edge of insanity over a four month period between 11:30pm-4:30am...everynight!! She would then wake two hours later for a feed, and my oldest child would shuffle into my room @ 8am. I just wanted the whole world to eff-off. Such a period of helplessness and dark emotions. And the advice from the in-laws on what you should do, maddening!